January 31st, 2010 by jeffbahr

 After Northern’s women’s loss to Moorhead Friday night, Curt Fredrickson complained about the refs on the radio, implying that their residency in Fargo affected their calls.

                                                                                   *         *         *

  A sign near Beadle Floral & Nursery says “Eat steak. Wear furs. Keep your gun. Salute our Flag.” That sign would send a Californian into an apoplectic fit.

                                                                                    *         *         *

 On his way to the vending machine, Shawn said, “I’m going to interest myself in a beverage.”

                                                                                  *         *         *

 Even Aberdeen has ladies who lunch. I’ve seen them at Mugs.

                                                                                  *         *         *

 Right next to Extreme Fusion and Fitness is the Strongheart Martial Arts Academy.

 That neighborhood must cater to the strong of heart.

                                                                                  *         *         *

 Justin Morneau and his wife toured the British Isles over the winter.

                                                                                  *         *         *

   On the radio Saturday night, Don Meyer said Casey Becker and Marty Gregor are probably not Northern’s most talented players, “but they play as hard or harder than anybody in this league…You’ve got to respect that kind of effort.”

                                                                                    *         *         *

  But Meyer said Marko Filipovic doesn’t play consistently hard.

                                                                                  *         *         *

  Apparently the Northern men have tough practices Saturday mornings. Meyer mentioned how physical practice was Saturday morning.

  I wonder if they would have gone that hard the morning after a win.

                                                                                  *         *         *

  What did my wife like most about her cruise? Somebody else made her bed and cooked for her.

                                                                                  *         *         *

  My people tell me the Northern redshirt player from Pelican Rapids, Tydan Storrusten, is a heck of a player.

 

                                                                                  *         *         *

  Shawn loves the Sunday supplement in the American News. “I love a Parade,” he says.

                                                                                    *         *         *

  Joe Queenan, in The Wall Street Journal, compared the late-night TV situation to Europe in the 1930s. Jay Leno, he wrote, ‘‘much like Adolf Hitler, is a master at making secret demands for foreign territory and then acting like the wronged party.’’

                                                                                   *         *         *

 One of the characters in “Wuthering Heights,” like all great romances, is a proud stable boy.

                                                                                  *         *         *

 The 99-cent Caesar salad at Wendy’s comes with bacon bits on it.

                                                                                  *         *         *

 One day soon, I’m going to reinterpret myself.

                                                                                  *         *         *

 It has now been eight months since I’ve spent a penny at M&H.

                                                                                  *         *         *

Here is the complete Captain 11 introduction:

 One man in each century is given the power to control time. The man chosen to receive this power is carefully selected. He must be kind. He must be fair. He must be brave. You have fulfilled these requirements; and, we of the Outer Galaxies designate to you the wisdom of Solomon and the strength of Atlas. You are Captain 11!

January 29th, 2010 by jeffbahr

  Northern has scheduled its 2010 Gypsy Day. It will be Sept. 18.

                                           *       *        *

  According to ace sportswriter Dave Vilhauer, Don Meyer will be on the Naismith Hall of Fame ballot this spring.

                                           *       *        *

 In April, Scott Waltman will visit Rome. There are rumors of a private lunch with the Pontiff.

 “He’s been wanting to bend my ear,” Scott says.

                                           *       *        *

  To Darla Scarlett, there’s no such thing as too-hot coffee. Even when it’s steaming like a cup of witches’ brew, she takes it to the microwave to make it hotter.

                                             *       *        *

  I keep hearing about women who, when they go to a movie, leave their husbands at home. They go with their mother or sister.

 Without their husbands there, who makes wise and witty observations throughout the film?

 Who comforts them during scary moments? 

 Who eats all the popcorn?

                                           *       *        *

  Co-workers say this about Mondell: Any food that doesn’t go in a microwave scares him.

                                           *       *        *

  My son Bryan, a loyal Packer fan who lives in Los Angeles, got a genuine Cheesehead from his girlfriend, Jen.

 “I am going to wear it around town, even though it’s the offseason in a city that doesn’t care about football.”

                                            *       *        *

 Mike Ferguson has Aberdeen’s airline schedule memorized. It’s not tough, he says. “There’s two flights a day.”

                                            *       *        *

 An armada of bucket trucks was parked outside M&H Thursday night. More than 200 linemen are in the area helping to restore power.

  The good people of Ipswich are throwing an appreciation dinner for them Friday evening.

                                           *       *        *

  Why is it considered news when a girl donates hair to Locks of Love?

  Why do South Dakotans make such a big deal about Cracker Barrels?

  Why do people get so excited about four-generation photos? 

                                            *       *        *

  I knew Jim Kirk back at the Academy. Even back then, he was impetuous and unpredictable, but I had no idea he was destined for such great heights.

                                           *       *        *

  Shawn likes the haddock squares the Schwan’s man brings him, but they’re expensive — six for $13.

                                           *       *        *

 Dave claims that Angela Steinbach was once Miss Guelph.

 I always thought Angela came from Oakes. 

                                           *       *        *

  Now that columnist Joe Galloway has retired, he will just sit at home and complain. Just like the rest of us, he’ll have no one to listen.

                                           *       *        *

  Carl’s Jr., which is basically Hardee’s on the West Coast, is introducing Grilled Cheese Bacon Burgers. I’d be happy to try that because of the grilled cheese element.

                                           *       *        *

  Duane Riedel said he wouldn’t know a guy “from a bale of hay.”

                                           *       *        *

  Didn’t get to see “The Blind Side” during its 10 weeks in Aberdeen? It’s playing at the Strand Theatre in Britton through Sunday.

                                           *       *        *

   A co-worker said it’s too bad there isn’t such a thing as bottomless bags of Doritos.

                                           *       *        *

  “Charm only goes so far,” says a co-worker. For me, it doesn’t go nearly far enough.

                                           *       *        *

  Dacotah Bank used to be Farmers and Merchant Bank.

                                           *       *        *

  Paul Giamatti is in every other movie, but I have no idea what he looks like.

                                           *       *        *

  A profile of me, e-mailed to my computer, says I’m a graduate of Ipswich High School. That’s funny. I don’t remember any of my years at dear old IHS.

                                           *       *        *

  Dan Richardt says Casey’s has the best pizza in town.

                                           *       *        *

 I like hearing old Aberdonians talk about the Doodlebug and National Tea.

                                           *       *        *

 Because my wife is gone this week, I was touched when Greg Guenin said, “Hey, Jeff, need a friend?” Then he said, “Get a dog.”

                                              *       *        *

 On the phone, my son Bryan said “How are you holding up, Sparky?”

 Can a kid call his father “Sparky”?

                                           *       *        *

 Anytime you see a bunch of women performing at a dance recital, you can be sure they’ll get to “Ease on Down the Road.”

                                           *       *        *

 Do I understand this correctly: Sioux City will no longer smell when you drive through it?

                                            *       *        *

 I can’t decide if I prefer Lady Antebellum or Lady Gaga.

                                            *       *        *

 On Thursday, Kim Dosch said I was wearing “dark, dreary, funeral clothes.”

                                           *       *        *

 I like new KSDN sports director Josh Bertaccini, a graduate of Syracuse University. I like his energy and his East Coast smarts.

 But his Howard Cosell imitation needs work.

                                              *       *        *

 Vegas did a number on a guy who’s in a new movie.

 Once, long ago, Hankinson did a number on me.

                                           *       *        *

 This week, Sister Lorraine Hale called me Jim.

 I’ve lived here 14 years, and no one knows who the heck I am.

                                           *       *        *

 Thus far, I’ve resisted the urge to watch “The Notebook.” True love makes me very emotional.

                                     *       *        *

 A guy in the know says Northern’s dance team has “zero pep.”

                                     *       *        *

 Brad says the longer Hank Stram lived, the more hair he got.

January 27th, 2010 by jeffbahr

 “Edge of Darkness,” “When in Rome” and “The Young Victoria” — which has already been at the Capitol — open Friday at Carmike.

  “The Blind Side” is finally leaving town. Also bailing are “Leap Year,” “Sherlock Holmes,” “Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel” and “The Spy Next Door.”

                                              *      *     *  

  “Tooth Fairy” was only No. 4 at the Aberdeen box office last weekend. That was a surprise. But Carmike says attendance was down because of the weather.

                                             *      *     *  

     Opening Friday at the Capitol is a movie with an eight-word title: “Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire.”

                                              *      *     *  

  Max & Erma’s will open in late February.

                                            *      *     *  

 Grown-up Aberdonians have fond memories of the concession stand at the South Side Pool. They happily recall Chick-o-Sticks and Jolly Ranchers.

                                              *      *     *  

 The new pool, I hear, has good walking tacos and nachos. 

 It’s also the only place in town where you can get big soft pretzels with cheese since Starbucks went into Target, Kelda says.

                                               *      *     *  

 On the radio Wednesday, Bob Olson said Northern has “outgrown” the Barnett Center. There are four locker rooms for 18 sports teams.

                                             *      *     *  

  Curt Fredrickson said the women’s NSIC is very competitive.

 “Every weekend is a battle. There’s no gimmes anymore. It’s made things very interesting.”

                                             *      *     *  

  Northern soccer coach Steve Kehm makes an annual recruiting visit to tournaments in Arizona.

  The Northern soccer team will begin playing indoor games in March. Those bubbles and other facilities are big enough to use all 11 players.

                                               *      *     *  

     I hate to say I told you so about Brett Favre. But I told you so.

                                              *      *     *  

  “iPad? Isn’t that what you do with your expense account?” says Mike Ferguson.

                                              *      *     *  

 Alli Arampatzis, a state champion pole vaulter, can lick her elbow.

                                             *      *     *  

 On KSDN, Don Meyer said his players weren’t mentally ready to practice Wednesday.

 “Surgeons can’t pick and choose when they’re going to be mentally ready to go. They have to be ready to go every day, or they’re not going to be surgeons very long.”

                                             *      *     *  

  My daughter, who has seen “Avatar,” is now worshipping trees, plants and weeds.

                                                *      *     *  

 When Elissa admitted that she had a crush on an old Twins pitcher, Scott said, “Was it Scott Erickson?”

  It was.

                                             *      *     *  

  If I read the sign correctly, Arby’s now has Southwest mini-egg rolls.

  Southwest egg rolls?

                                             *      *     *  

 After I moved Mike Ferguson’s coat, he said, “I checked my pockets to see if my change was still in there.”

                                             *      *     *  

 Shawn says local grocery stores have done away with Stagg Chili and he misses it. Stagg “is the best chili ever made,” he said. He prefers the original variety.

                                              *      *     *  

  Any journalist speculating on whether Brett Favre will return is wasting his time.  

                                             *      *     *  

 People all around me love Chick-o-Stick.

 Dan Richardt loves its “peanut butter goodness.”

 The coconut, Kelda says, “just gives it a richness.”

                                              *      *     *  

 Do you have any special Groundhog Day plans?

                                             *      *     *  

 The Daily Grind has a new sign.

                                             *      *     *  

 I think Conan O’Brien‘s talk show should go to QVC, Style or the Travel Channel — somewhere befitting the size of his audience.

                                              *      *     *  

 I don’t like bluegrass, barbershop or the blues.

                                             *      *     *  

 Sports teams are called Golden Grizzles, Golden Bears and Golden Eagles.

 I wonder if the alumni drink Michelob Golden Draft.

                                             *      *     *  

 You’ll never hear me say, “That corner is perfect for a nice loveseat.”

                                             *      *     *  

 Dan was going to watch the State of the Union just to hear “the web of lies spun by our president.”

                                             *      *     *  

 The Atlantic 10 conference has 14 teams.

                                               *      *     *  

  Heather was asked if she’d seen Scrapbook yet.

 “I haven’t had the pleasure.”

                                             *      *     *  

  Before Brides n’ Belles became a bridal shop, the building housed apartments.

 In its early years, people would walk in and say “I came to a party here once.”

                                               *      *     *  

 I have absolutely no idea what an antechamber is.

 Nevertheless, I think I will retire to the antechamber.

                                              *      *     *  

 I live uneasily in two worlds.

                                             *      *     *  

   Where Mike Ferguson comes from, people say they’re “fixing to go” somewhere. 

  After they leave, they say they are “done gone.”

January 24th, 2010 by jeffbahr

 Happy 26th birthday to Anne Marren, the smartest woman in all of Harrison, N.Y. 

                                                         *       *     *

 One man in each century is given the power to control time.

 I always thought that man was Dr. Who.

 But in South Dakota, it was Captain 11.

                                                   *       *     *

 It sounds like many, many youngsters in this area made the trip to KELO to be part of the studio audience and appear on Captain 11.

 People around here don’t speak mockingly of Captain 11. They speak of him with great reverence.

                                                  *       *     *

 Michelle went to Captain 11 twice, and was on the air both times.

 “I was a very cute child,” she says.

                                                  *       *     *

 A co-worker says if the Vikings win Sunday, “you might step out in front of a semi.”

                                                  *       *     *

 Every Friday morning year-round, Twins broadcaster John Gordon dutifully calls in to KSDN radio, no matter where he is.

 Sometimes, KSDN doesn’t put him on the air if they have a lot of weather cancellations to report.

 I say put Gordo on the air.

                                                  *       *     *

 The question my wife asks me the most is, “Are you being deliberately obtuse?” 

                                                  *       *     *

 People say something is “tougher than a boiled owl.” I bet if people tried it,  they’d find it surprisingly tender.

                                                  *       *     *

 Some people say the pilots who fly into Aberdeen are young. I don’t know if that’s true or not.

                                                  *       *     *

 On Feb. 4, Bill Schott will go to Fortune Bay Casino, in northern Minnesota, to take part in a fundraiser that involves Ron Gardenhire and Kent Hrbek.

                                                  *       *     *

 Speaking of Bill Schott, how does that guy stay so skinny?

                                                  *       *     *

 Tim Persell, who appears as Neil Diamond, is Schott’s stepson. Persell lives in Britton.

                                        *       *     *

 If Michelle had a dog, she would paint its nails and put bows in its hair.

 She tries that with her cats, who don’t appreciate it.

                                                  *       *     *

 Mike Ferguson brings up an interesting question: How many Golden Girls are left?

                                                   *       *     *

 I love McDonald’s chocolate chip cookies, which are three for $1.

 My co-workers say Subway’s are better. I’m doubtful.

                                                  *       *     *

 Ryan Deal got a very short haircut.

 “I told them to give me the Walt,” he says, referring to Scott Waltman’s shaved  head.

                                        *       *     *

 Scott says women wouldn’t be interested in him because he yells at the TV during football games.

 What man doesn’t?

                                         *       *     *

 I get a lot of respect around town.

 Just the other day the Mayor called me Rod.

                                        *       *     *

 Longing for a glazed doughnut but can’t afford it?

 Don’t worry. I’m starting a new organization called Doughnuts Are Possible, Inc., or DAPI.

                                        *       *     *

 If I ever get arrested, I’m going to just say the system failed me. It wasn’t my fault. I’m a victim.

                                        *       *     *

 A new business downtown is called Extreme Fusion and Fitness.

                                        *       *     *

 What do the other players call Baltimore Orioles third baseman Miguel Tejada?

  Miggy.

                                        *       *     *

 Why does every city in Texas have its own song — Houston, Galveston, Amarillo by Morning, Does Fort Worth Ever Cross Your Mind?, Is Anybody Goin’ to San Antone, Lukenbach, Texas?

                                        *       *     *

 If I read the sign correctly, McDonald’s breakfast menu includes burrito hash browns.

 Mornings are tough enough without trying to deal with one of those.

                                        *       *     *

 I heard the phrase “crazier than a pet raccoon.” Why would a domesticated raccoon be any nuttier than one in the wild?

January 21st, 2010 by jeffbahr

  Jim Hockett, who used to work for Dakota Broadcasting, is now a newsman at KSDN.

                                             *        *       *

 Attention ladies: Scott Waltman, who is single, can waltz and foxtrot. If that doesn’t make a man attractive, I don’t know what does.

                                             *        *       *

 Shawn paid his first visit to Qdoba. He ordered a chicken burrito. “The thing must have weighed 6 pounds. It was huge,” he said.

 He liked it, but he didn’t like the shell.

                                             *        *       *

 Greg Guenin, how’s it going?

 “On a scale of 1 to 10, it’s in there somewhere.”

                                             *        *       *

 “Nobody likes Jerry Jones, even his wife,” says Ron.

                                             *        *       *

 Just like George Steinbrenner, someday Jerry Jones will be sent out to pasture by his family, Ron predicts. “Give him a drool cup and that’s it.”

                                              *        *       *

 I’d always thought better of Dave Vilhauer. But Aberdeen’s most famous sportswriter admits that he’s tried Chick-O-Sticks and likes them.

                                             *        *       *

 My sons see this Sunday’s Vikings game the same way I do. Bryan calls it “the holy Saints vs. the Horned Purple Devils. Good will prevail,” he says.

                                             *        *       *

  Viking fan Ron Feickert vows that he won’t be arrogant if the Vikings win Sunday.   “I’ve watched guys like you and I don’t want to be like that,” he said.

                                             *        *       *

 Every day I hear one employee tell another, “We’re matching,” referring to their clothing.

 Another employee will say “I missed the memo. I’m sorry.”

 Life in the workplace can be very dull.

                                             *        *       *

 The second episode of “Human Target” was much inferior to the first.

                                             *        *       *

 To Mike Ferguson, an empty chair is just a place to hang his coat.

 “You can’t wait until I leave,” I said.

 “That’s for a lot of reasons, though, not just the coat,” he said.

                                             *        *       *

 A woman at Kessler’s deli prepares Shawn’s burger for him. “She knows just how I like it.”

 Some of those women at Kessler’s are definitely mother figures. “I asked her if she wanted to adopt me,” he said.

                                             *        *       *

  I‘m afraid to get into the new season of “Being Erica.” I fear that it is an unnecessary and ill-advised sequel.  

                                             *        *       *

  Before Dan makes plans, maybe he should clear them with his wife first, Emily says.  

                                             *        *       *

 Ron says one of our co-workers could get lost in a phone booth.

                                             *        *       *

 When Sundance Wicks arrived on the Northern campus, he had wild, unruly hair.  Now an assistant at Northern Illinois, he has a shaved head and wears suits.

                                             *        *       *

 I can’t believe this, but Jay Leno is drawing 5.3 million viewers, compared to 17 million for “The Mentalist” on CBS.

                                              *        *       *

 Wednesday night, Leno said the rainy weather in California ‘‘couldn’t have come at a worse possible time. Today was the day NBC was supposed to burn down the studio for the insurance money.’’

                                             *        *       *

  The TV game show ‘‘Family Feud’’ is getting yet another host. The new one will be Steve Harvey, taking over for John O’Hurley.

  How many “Family Feud” hosts can you remember?

                                              *        *       *

  When you’re on hold, why is the music always Nickelback?

                                             *        *       *

 I don’t think  I’ll be trying a Chili Fritos Burrito at Taco John’s.

                                             *        *       *

  Tim Johnson has got to find Tuesday’s election results sobering.

 Hey, Tim. Maybe you should try voting the way South Dakotans want you to.

                                             *        *       *

   I’m having trouble getting over the death of Robert B. Parker.

 ‘‘For a long time, the American detective genre was defined by the big three: Dashiell Hammett, Raymond Chandler and Ross Macdonald. I would say Robert Parker is the fourth,’’ says author Robert Crais.

                                             *        *       *

  Since water heaters are no longer durable, I wonder if a Marathon water heater can go the distance.

January 20th, 2010 by jeffbahr

 It won’t be in Aberdeen, but Tim Tebow will appear at the Don Meyer Evening of Excellence April 17.

 The affair takes place at Lipscomb University in Nashville, where Meyer is still obviously highly regarded.

                                                                 *       *        *

 Get a load of Mikayla Barondeau’s performance Friday night at Bemidji State.

 Not only did she have 22 points and 20 rebounds, but she was also 10 for 10 from the line.

 On the radio Wednesday, assistant coach Brent Pollari said Barondeau has had a determined look in her eyes the last couple of weeks.

 She is a 6-1 sophomore from Frederick.

                                                                 *       *        *

 The Northern men have two tough opponents this weekend.

 Don Meyer said on the radio that the St. Cloud men have the best center in the league. He said the Huskies should try to get the ball into him on every possession. You don’t see many old-time posts like that anymore, he said.

                                                                 *       *        *

 Pollari said the Concordia women are head and shoulders above the rest of the league.  

 The Northern women are still looking at about a dozen high school seniors.

 He also mentioned that even Northern has been contacted by coaches about a couple of Division 1 transfers.  

                                                                 *       *        *

  Don Meyer admitted to Zach Flakus that he was happy about the Massachusetts Senate election.

 “The guy who drives the pickup is OK with me,” Meyer said. “If all the guys in Congress drove pickups, we’d be a lot better off.” 

 He also said if your boots aren’t dirty, you’re not working very hard.

                                                                 *       *        *

  Saturday is Maroon Out Night at Wachs Arena.

                                                                 *       *        *

  The initial episode of “Human Target” on Fox was fantastic. Who needs “24”?

                                                                 *       *        *

 Dan Richardt reports that the Crawfish Po’ Boy at Minerva’s is terrific.

                                                                  *       *        *

 Carrie Cole says the movie “Up in the  Air” is worth going to.

                                                                 *       *        *

 Why are there “no parking, bus stop” signs across from the federal building if Aberdeen doesn’t have a bus?

                                                                 *       *        *

 Zachary Levi, the star of “Chuck,” was born Zachary Levi Pugh. He stands 6-foot-4.

January 19th, 2010 by jeffbahr

 If you didn’t get to “Up in the Air,” don’t fret. On Friday, it’s moving uptown — from the Carmike to the Capitol.

                                         *       *       *

 Three movies open Friday at Carmike — “Legion,” “Tooth Fairy” and “Extraordinary Measures.”

                                        *       *       *

 “The Blind Side” is entering its 10th week at Carmike. That’s unusual.

                                        *       *       *

   Mike Ferguson said that Greg Guenin works on the dark side of the building.

  “I resent that remark,” Greg said. “I don’t work.”

                                        *       *       *

 What does the new Snow Queen like to eat most when she’s working at the Redfield Dairy Queen?

 Olivia Esser enjoys French fries dipped in chocolate malts.

                                        *       *       *

 When she’s at Wendy’s, Virginia Newquist dips her French fries into her Frosty. 

                                        *       *       *

 The new Snow Queen, by the way, has a hard nose.

 That’s what her dad says. He said his daughter is hard-nosed.

                                        *       *       *

 Michelle says at movies, the annoying people are attracted to her. They sit near her.

                                        *       *       *

 After Saturday night’s win, Don Meyer said guard Jordan King had a good weekend.

                                        *       *       *

 Meyer also said he’d rather play a team the night after it’s won, rather than lost.

                                        *       *       *

 I told Anne that my favorite author died — Robert B. Parker.

 “I thought you meant Dr. Seuss,” she said.

                                        *       *       *

  Scott watched his beloved Chargers last weekend with Carrie Cole and her husband, Chuck.

  Carrie is expecting. Because of Scott’s anger during the Charger loss, “Carrie’s baby knows a lot of words he shouldn’t,” Scott says.

                                        *       *       *

 Like other Viking-haters, I am very afraid.

 Much of my identity comes from chortling about the Vikings’ inability to win the big one.

 Now that they’re two games away from the top, I am extremely nervous.

                                         *       *       *

 If I’d called my sons Sunday or Monday night, they would have ignored the phone.

 They were too wrapped up in “24.”

                                        *       *       *

 Mobridge sportswriter Jay Davis says some people aren’t happy about the new gym. They say “It’s too much,” and miss the old Scherr-Howe Arena.

                                         *       *       *

  Kerry Adams’ hair stylist is a devout Packer fan. When he’s in the chair, Kerry doesn’t mention his love of the Vikings “because you’ll walk out of there with a mohawk.”

                                         *       *       *

 I had no idea that Aberdeen has only one bridal shop.

                                        *       *       *

 My wife is going off on a cruise next week without me. She’ll be with her mother and sister.

 I wonder if I’ll ever see her again.

                                        *       *       *

 You can buy coconut M&M‘s? 

 No thank you.

                                         *       *       *

 I read in the American News that Aberdeen Central has a colonnade.

 I wouldn’t know a colonnade if I crashed a bike into it.

                                         *       *       *

 Conan O’Brien grew up dreaming of hosting “The Tonight Show.”

 If he wanted to keep the job, maybe he should have tried to be entertaining.

                                        *       *       *

 Michelle says cats make sick people feel better than dogs do.

 I’m not sure I buy that.

January 16th, 2010 by jeffbahr

 On the counter at Sooper Stop is a box of the weirdest food ever — Chick-O-Stick.  These orange-colored sticks are made with peanut butter and coconut.

 I won’t be trying one. You can have mine.

                                                                      *        *        *

  Heather doesn’t remember the day the space shuttle exploded in 1986.

 “I was learning how to crawl.”

                                                                     *        *        *

  NFL coach Joe Bugel says, “Never be ashamed to look somebody in the face and tell them you love them.”

 Even if I could look them in the eye, I couldn’t tell people I love them.

                                                                    *        *        *

  Brides n’ Belles is hit by a prom rush afternoons at 3:30. 

  They expected a quiet day Friday.

  But some area schools had no school because of in-service. So Brides n’ Belles had a busy Friday, including a visit by 10 Warner students.

                                                                    *        *        *

  I’m skeptical of school in-service days. I think the major decision is, “Who’s bringing the doughnuts?”

                                                                     *        *        *

  Shawn says the Snickers bar includes everything good.

 “All it’s missing is pepperoni.”

                                                                     *        *        *

  If Central is calling its band the Gold Star Band, they swiped the name from NDSU, which has the Gold Star Marching Band.

 All good things, including me, originate in Fargo.

                                                                     *        *        *

  A marriage that lasts a year?

  Some arguments can last that long, Kelda says.

                                                                     *        *        *

  The Brides n’ Belles building was originally the home of an Aberdeen banker.

 Later, Northern used it as a home for bachelor professors. At that time, it even had a cook.

 It has been Brides n’ Belles for 18 years.

                                                                     *        *        *

 I think the business should add a maternity shop. Then you could call it Brides and Bellies.

                                                                    *        *        *

 Patrick Reusse says the Cowboys will beat the Vikes by more than two touchdowns. He says the Cowboy defense is much better than the Vikings’.

                                                                      *        *        *

  On “The Good Wife,” the workplace is filled with backstabbing and duplicity.

  Why watch that? We get enough of that in our own workplaces.

                                                                    *        *        *

  Conan O’Brien, whose ratings at 10:30 were miserable, is hurting his image with his petulant attitude.

  I think you have to be under 30 to appreciate Conan.

                                                                     *        *        *

  My M&M’s are the Tear ’n Share Size, but I don’t share them.

                                                                    *        *        *

 Under pressure from the Vikings, the Star Tribune is now referring to the team’s home as Mall of America Field – not the Metrodome.

                                                                     *        *        *

  I’ve embarked on a holistic journey toward mental, physical and metaphysical health.

                                                                      *        *        *

  After a loss, an area coach called in his team’s results Thursday night. The phone gave him a choice for sports and obituaries.

 “I’m not sure which one I’ve got,” he said.

                                                                     *        *        *

 I don’t do anything without talking to my fashion consultants.

                                                                     *        *        *

 Mike says some marriages end because of “after-hours tomfoolery.”

                                                                     *        *        *

 I’m very satisfied that the Packers’ Charles Woodson was named defensive MVP.

 “Well you should be. That’s the only thing you’ve got going for you,” said Ron, who dislikes Green Bay.

                                                                     *        *        *

 Next time you’re in Gettysburg, drop in to The Burg.

                                                                     *        *        *

 I saw on the AP wire that the Cubs signed Marlon Byrd.

 “Byrd on a Wire?” said Mark Zoellner, referring to an old Mel Gibson movie.

                                                                    *        *        *

 I don’t care what my fashion advisers say. I will not wear cute shoes.

                                                                      *        *        *

 Instead of kitty-corner, people in South Dakota say kitty wampus.

                                                                     *        *        *

  Dave didn’t know if he’d be able to use Shawn’s computer. The password, he said, is probably something like DallasCowboycheerleadersdigme.

                                                                     *        *        *

 If my popcorn needs more salt, I’m just going to rub it around Aberdeen’s streets.

                                                                     *        *        *

 I’ve heard that water heaters don’t last nearly as long as they used to.

                                                                     *        *        *

 The story I wrote about sand-salting Aberdeen streets is gaining a lot of traction.

                                                                    *        *        *

 On the team he plays with, I hope Mike Miller doesn’t get shot.

                                                                     *        *        *

 Co-workers are divided on Mike Miller’s hair. 

 Some say it’s awful. Some say it’s beautiful.

                                                                     *        *        *

  I have never met a dumb Snow Queen.

 They are all very smart, are great talkers and have excellent posture.

                                                                     *        *        *

 I worry that someday I’ll be kicked out of the global community.

                                                                   *        *        *

 More than anything else, I am most proud of being a Chaucer scholar.

                                                                    *        *        *

 I think Anne Marren likes my daughter more than she likes her fiancé. 

                                                                     *        *        *

 If the Vikings win the Super Bowl, we’ll know we are living in post-apocalyptic times.

                                                                     *        *        *

 “Presentation is everything,” Dave said.

 I don’t know if he was talking about cuisine or college basketball.

                                                                     *        *        *

 Scott, who knows this city, says the deadest time in Aberdeen is between 3:30 and 4:30 a.m.

 The town starts to come alive just before 5 a.m., he says.

                                                                     *        *        *

 My desk is rich in pageantry and tradition.

                                                                      *        *        *

  Dan can’t get up on his own.

 “I’m his human alarm clock,” says his wife.

                                                                     *        *        *

 Instead of criticizing something, young people say “It is what it is.”

                                                                     *        *        *

 The word “situation” is also becoming popular, probably because of that “Jersey Shore” program.

                                                                    *        *        *

 When she was pregnant, Jessi had to have a Hardee’s biscuit every morning. She hasn’t had one since.

                                                                     *        *        *

 What I’m really seeking is true and lasting personal transformation.

                                                                     *        *        *

 Co-workers say GPS can save a marriage. With that device, a couple isn’t as apt to get lost, or argue about directions.

                                                                    *        *        *

  What are the Fort Wayne Mad Ants so mad about?

                                                                     *        *        *

 One of these days, I’m going to look on the Internet for the recipe to make Big Mac sauce.

                                                                      *        *        *

 Mike held up three fingers to check a co-worker’s vision.

 Anita used the test to check Mike’s mental health.

 “Mike, how many fingers do you think you’re holding up?”

                                                                     *        *        *

 If a woman named Susan was combative, would they call her Fighting Sue?

                                                                    *        *        *

  The University of Minnesota won’t play teams with American Indian nicknames unless they’re in its conference.

  How much sense does that make?

                                                                      *        *        *

  Mike knew a woman who liked peanut butter on pancakes.

 “Peanut butter on pancakes is dysfunctional,” he said.

                                                                    *        *        *

 Conan O’Brien’s show at 10:30?

 It is what it is.

January 14th, 2010 by jeffbahr

 “The Young Victoria” opens Friday at the Capitol Cinema.

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  At high school in Lino Lakes, Minn., Emily Becken was coached by her mother.

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  At the moment, Megan Kusler’s basketball career may be over, Curt Fredrickson said on the radio Wednesday.

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   To Mike Ferguson, Chaps is a fragrance by Ralph Lauren.

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  “I’m just here to chronicle the collapse of Western civilization. Then I’m done,” Mondell says.

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  Dave stunned the newsroom when he correctly identified the color of Anita’s coat as periwinkle.

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  Emily thought she was patting her husband three times to wake him up. Turns out it was the dog.

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   Don Meyer said on the bus Northern players don’t watch video. But people do get to know each other. If not for bus trips, Lance Luitjens wouldn’t be married to Renee, Meyer said on the radio Wednesday.

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  Shawn refers to Adrian Peterson as “Butterfingers.”

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  Inside Ron is “a Cowboy fan just trying to get out,” Shawn says.

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  Dan’s chiropractor refers to cracking the back as “ear candy.”

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  Driving and otherwise,  “My wife tells me where to go,” Ron says.

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  Burger King says the Whopper is America’s favorite burger.

 I don’t think I agree.

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  Mike Ferguson says he played bridge “in a previous life”

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  Before leaving for the day, Scott said “we’ll come back and try it all over again tomorrow.”

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 Mike says if we had online video from the newsroom, people could use it to check on their spouses. They would look “just to verify they’re at work.”

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  Mike Ferguson speaks dismissively about the Swiss. “They just loaf around all day and live in their chalets,” he said.

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  Shawn quotes from only two movies, ” The Godfather” and “Unforgiven.”

 “They’re the only two I’ve ever seen,” he says.

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  My children are pumped about the season debut of “24.”

   In the Hartford Courtant, Kiefer Sutherland said this about his Jack Bauer persona:

   “I’ve always been shocked that people that actually I’m flying with say, ’Oh, I feel safer on the plane.’ I’m thinking: ’You must not watch the show because everybody around me gets killed.’”

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   Mike Ferguson is the only person I know who uses the word “purloin.”

   Look for me to purloin that word from him.

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 “I don’t remember much about my senior year” of high school, says a co-worker.

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  Things you hear in the newsroom:

 “I haven’t worn women’s clothes in years,” says Mike Ferguson.

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 People are so quick to apply labels, Mike says.

 “Just one little negligee and people want to judge you forever.”

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  How can I create a perfect heart in your gourmet coffee?

 I dabble in latte art.

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  I have absolutely no idea what a tandem truck is.

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 Maybe it’s just me, but I always get Gabriel Faure confused with Brett Favre.

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 Judi Dench is everywhere, including the new movie “Nine.”

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 Speaking of Judi Dench, every Sunday night I see women wearing bonnets on public TV. 

 Some women should turn their bonnet around so it covers their face.

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 “People of earth,” Conan O’Brien addressed his statement that he wouldn’t move his show later.

  He ended the statement by saying, ‘‘Have a great day and, for the record, I am truly sorry about my hair; it’s always been that way.’’

January 11th, 2010 by jeffbahr

   Opening Friday at Carmike are “The Lovely Bones,” “Book of Eli” and “The Spy Next Door.”

   Leaving Thursday is “It’s Complicated.”

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  Susan Sarandon, among many other people, is in “The Lovely Bones.”

 “She plays the crazy alcoholic grandmother,” Michelle explains.

 That’s a good role for her.

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 Alvin and the Chipmunks are still No. 2 at the Aberdeen box office. “The Blind Side” is No. 3. Both of those would have to be described as family-oriented hit films. 

 “Sherlock Holmes” was No. 4 and “Leap Year” No. 5.

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 Sheri Gross isn’t eating anything fun this year because she wants to look stunning at the pool this summer. “This will be the year,” she vows.

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 The Big Mac Snack Wrap at McDonald’s is wonderful. You”ll never have to buy a Big Mac again. At $1.49, the price is quite a bit cheaper.

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 Young people now say “snap.” To improve their delivery, they should go to Snap Fitness.

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 Mike Ferguson says without commercials, David Letterman’s show runs 35 minutes.

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 Is there a single Cardinal bird in the whole state of Arizona?

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 Some of the fun people have left United Blood Services. The reminder calls now come out of Arizona. And things don’t run as smoothly as they used to. 

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 The guy at Sooper Stop told a customer a pack of cigarettes would cost “the better part of six dollars.”

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 Vince Vaughn got married. You can track his whole career through his movies.

 First, he was one of the swingers. I hope his nuptials weren’t interrupted by wedding crashers. For their honeymoon, I bet they went on a couples retreat.

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 Whom do you prefer — Drew Brees, Drew Carey, Nancy Drew or Drew Barrymore?

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 The nation’s TV critics say Carson Daly is about to lose his show.

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 On the TV commercials, a guy takes about 10 minutes to eat a Kit Kat. I can eat a Kit Kat in .00000001 of a second.

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 Cadmium can hinder brain development in the very young. In other words, it turns them into Vikings fans.

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  With my Packers done, I’m now counting on the Dallas Cowboys to eliminate the Evil Empire.