September 29th, 2009 by jeffbahr

   Scott says Lager’s is crowded with Bears fans on Sundays.

                                       *        *        *

  Shopping carts at Target are probably 10 times better than Wal-Mart’s, says Mike Ferguson.

                                    *        *        *

 Not all the good kuchen comes from Eureka. We received some excellent kuchen from Leola this week.

                                    *        *        *

  People shied away from it for a while, because it was prune kuchen. 

  “Prune has a stigma. I think of old people when I think of prunes,” Shawn says.

                                    *        *        *

  In spite of its reputation, prune tastes just fine. But Shawn wouldn’t totally concede.

 “I can still taste the prune. I know it’s there.”

                                    *        *        *

  Emily, our auxiliary facial hair correspondent, reports that Det. Tom Tarnowski has shaven his mustache.

 “I think he looks much younger.”

                                    *        *        *

 Mike Ferguson says “any Meryl Streep movie, by definition, is boring.”

 I agree with him, but Streep’s last two or three movies showed a surprising amount of life.

                                   *        *        *

 On Oct. 10, they should bring Stevie Nicks to Aberdeen to sing “Gypsy.”

                                    *        *        *

 Ron, like other Viking fans, is pumped about this season. “I’ve got to get one championship before I die.”

                                    *        *        * 

 At the fairgrounds Tuesday, Russ saw a guy exercising his dog this way: With the dog running alongside, he was driving his pickup, smoking a cigarette.

                                    *        *        *

 The best candy bar, without a doubt, is Mr. Goodbar.

                                    *        *        *

 The Johnson Fine Arts Center is a heavily used facility.

                                    *        *        *

 What happens if you combine Saffron Burrows, Sage Rosenfels and Honeysuckle Weeks?  

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 Sometimes I think grandparents have more influence on us than our parents do.

                                    *        *        *

 Sponsors of the Brews and Blues event Oct. 10 will receive engraved beer steins.

                                    *        *        *

 Junebug and D.J. Rad Jackson will play at the VFW Oct. 10.

                                    *        *        *

 Brenda No Hawk Kohlman, an artist at Northern State University, works in acrylic paint on bison bone.

                              *        *        *

 Michelle says her candy bucket contains nothing new. “Just strangely flavored Dum Dums.”

                                    *        *        *

 This blog will return Oct. 8.

September 28th, 2009 by jeffbahr

  Opening Friday at Carmike are “Whip It,” “Zombieland” and “Toy Story I and II,” both in 3-D.

  Leaving Thursday are “Sorority Row,’ “9” and “Ponyo.”

                                            *           *          *

 All during October, your kids can see “Spookley the Square Pumpkin” at Carmike Saturdays and Sundays at 10 a.m.

 Are square pumpkins the result of genetic engineering? What will those evil geniuses at Monsanto produce next?

                                           *           *          *

 I don’t understand why people eat boring candy bars like Baby Ruth. They’re not even worth the calories.

                                           *           *          *

 Gypsy Day candidates include a Sutton and a Button.

                                          *           *          *

 One of the king candidates is Holist Sutton. What kind of a name is that? 

                                           *           *          *

 Northern football coach Chris Boden is in his fifth season.

 On the radio Saturday, Boden said he could have done a better job on his first year’s recruiting class.  

                                           *           *          *

  He also said the offensive line had a change brought about by disciplinary action last week. The players playing now, he said, are those who want to be here.

                                          *           *          *

 Scott and Mark Z. went to the Northern football game Saturday.

 What were they impressed by?

 “Well, the band was good,” Scott said.

                                           *           *          *

 On Halloween, I may be haunted by ghosts of girlfriends past. 

                                           *           *          *

 “I’d never heard of a free-will offering till I came up here,” says Mike Ferguson.

                                          *           *          *

 The boat on sale in front of Gerharter Realtors was owned by the late, great Richard Grebner.

                                          *           *          *

 Those Snyder’s of Hanover people know how to make pretzels.

                                          *           *          *

 It is awesome to behold the tremendous power of kuchen.

                                          *           *          *

 This is the time of year when you can get pumpkin pie at McDonald’s.

                                          *           *          *

 Dan Richardt and I agree that Aberdeen misses having a baseball card shop. At one time, the city had two of them.

 Some of Aberdeen’s finest young people used to hang out in those card shops.

                                          *           *          *

 Dave Vilhauer is keeping a close eye on Max & Erma’s for us. He says the building could be done by Christmas.

 Dave is also our facial hair correspondent who broke the big Bob Olson story last week. Dave keeps an eye under everybody’s nose.

                                          *           *          *

 There are always 20 M&M’s in a 1.74 oz. bag of peanut M&M’s. For 85 cents, am I getting my money’s worth?

                                           *           *          *

 It’s not just Aberdeen that has mosquitoes. Last week, I went to Conde and an area farm, and almost got buzzed to death at both of them.

                                          *           *          *

 On Saturday, the Wolves football game was on two radio stations — 94.1 FM and 930 AM.

                                          *           *          *

  Call me crazy, but I don’t get flu shots.

                                          *           *          *

 Boycotting M&H has been good for me. I am discovering exciting offerings at other convenience stores. I am now addicted to the popcorn at Kusler’s.

                                          *           *          *

 Believe it or not, the Pentagon Channel has a sports show. Where else could you find the weekly Air Force Academy coach’s show?

                                          *           *          *

 SPURS is located on 40 acres northwest of Aberdeen.

                                          *           *          *

 If my life keeps going the way it has been, I will soon discover the pleasures of Irish whiskey.

                                          *           *          *

 I gave Phil Schreck two unlabeled cans of spaghetti. I asked him to predict the weather and the possibilities for his dinner.

 “Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs,” he said during our imaginary conversation.

September 25th, 2009 by jeffbahr

 Dan Richardt says the people of Leola party like rock stars.

                       *       *      *

 I’m reinventing myself as a hip hop artist.

 I’ve been laying down some really sick rhymes.

                         *       *      *

 When the Northern men’s and women’s basketball teams go on the road, Curt Fredrickson likes to eat Chinese food.

 On the radio Wednesday, Zach Flakus asked men’s assistant coach Dan Magrino if there was any hope of outvoting Fred in choosing restaurants.

                         *       *      *

 Dave tried to mow the lawn Thursday evening.

 “I don’t know what’s thicker — the grass or the mosquitoes,” he told his wife.

                         *       *      *

 You should have been here the other day.

 Emily was wearing some really cute wedges.

                          *       *      *

  The second episode of “Community” was way better than the first.

                         *       *      *

  Schwan’s is getting a new front. 

  Dan Richardt doesn’t think that will help the inside.

  It will still remind him of Slippery’s tavern from ‘Grumpy Old Men.”

                          *       *      *

  When Kelda’s kids were little, they liked to chew on rocks.

  “They just loved them.”

                          *       *      *

 Wendy’s appears to be getting a facelift — at least the front of it. I will miss the reliable old Wendy’s look, which reminds me of the early 1980s.

                         *       *      *

 Greg Guenin wears a hat that says, “A man and his truck. It’s a beautiful thing.”

                       *       *      *

 This is the year I have finally learned to close my car windows. Because it never stops raining.

                         *       *      *

  One of the great aromas in Aberdeen is the smell of Monster Burgers on a Monday night.

                         *       *      *

   There’s only one reason to see “Fame.” Our favorite actor, Charles S. Dutton, is in it.

                         *       *      *

  Mike Ferguson asked a former soccer player if there’s any truth to the theory that soccer is a Communist plot.

                         *       *      *

 What if you want your pants hemmed in a hurry?

 Then you need a tailor swift.

                         *       *      *

 Carmike heard from people who wanted to see the Jennifer Aniston movie, “Love Happens.”

                         *       *      *

 Only 12 men live at Blue Cloud Abbey these days.

                         *       *      *

 I don’t watch “The Office” anymore, because Michael Scott reminds me too much of me.

                         *       *      *

   Scott Waltman has been obsessed with voting for the Jackrabbit mascot in an Internet contest, and all of us are tired of it.

  “Your obsession is becoming unhealthy,” Dan said.

                           *       *      *

 Sunny 97 is carrying Ipswich football games this season.

 Ironically, I think the station’s city of license is Ipswich.

                         *       *      *

 I saw the pheasant referred to as an “elusive bird.” If they’re so elusive, why do they line Highway 12 every evening?

                         *       *      *

 “I disagree with putting celery in anything, even soup,” Shawn says.

                         *       *      *

  I normally agree with Shawn on everything. But he’s one of those barbarians who eat potatoes raw.

                           *       *      *

 My wife is thinking of entering me in the National Swine Registry.

                         *       *      *

 Shawn has ended his feud with Subway and Thatzza Pizza.

 I’m glad that nasty business is behind us.

 Now maybe there’s hope for me and M&H.

                         *       *      *

   “My goal is to be the last person on earth without a Facebook account,” says Ryan Deal.

                         *       *      *

 I’m rooting against the professional snowboarder on “Dancing with the Stars.”

As a grumpy old guy, I’m opposed to all participants of extreme sports.

                         *       *      *

 I think losing the Aldrich Park gazebo is a tragedy. It was one of the things that made Aberdeen pretty.

 We’re going to have to hold on to some of this old stuff.

                         *       *      *

Give the McDonald’s chocolate chip cookies a try . It’s hard not to spend $1 for three of them.

                           *       *      *

  On Monday nights, you just have to watch the first 10 minutes and last 10 minutes of Jay Leno. He finishes the show with headlines, which are the best thing he does.

                          *       *      *

  I heard a weatherman refer to “south central” South Dakota, which made me think of Los Angeles.

 In South Dakota, south central is Winner.

                         *       *      *

 “At the Movies” has been reborn, thanks to the great Michael Phillips and A.O. Scott.

                         *       *      *

  My favorite female name of all is Moira.

                          *       *      *

 Jared Miller now lives in Sioux Falls, working in the banking business.

                         *       *      *

 Mark Zoellner says an old co-worker seemed gruff at first. “Once you could take the first wave of gruffness, you were OK.”

                         *       *      *

 To me, liquid courage is coffee.

                         *       *      *

 Until this week, I didn’t know Central’s fight song uses the Fighting Irish music.

                         *       *      *

  When she watches Paula Dean, Carla says she can feel her arteries start to clog.

                         *       *      *

 The slogan of Marshall Field’s department store used to be “Give the lady what she wants.”

                         *       *      *

  I never would have gone to the Minneapolis College of Art and Design, because they  don’t have a football team.

                          *       *      *

 Greg Guenin says men just pretend to be helpless.

 That’s not true. I really am helpless.

September 22nd, 2009 by jeffbahr

 Our facial hair correspondent tells us that Bob Olson has shaved his mustache.

                                       *        *         *

 Foreign films return to the Capitol Cinema in October and November.

                                       *        *         *

 Sitting in my wife’s vehicle, I made a comment she didn’t like.

 “Get out of my car so I can run you over with it,” she said.

                                   *        *         *

 Mike Ferguson says “I had an emotional breakdown” the first time he saw “My Friend Skip.”

                                       *        *         *

  Russ said it was a beautiful day Tuesday. “If you’re a duck.”

                                        *        *         *

  Jeanette Scarborough insists on seeing a good-looking physician.

 “I’ll be darned if I’m deathly sick and have to look at an ugly doctor,” she says.

                                       *        *         *

 ”I wish I could meet someone who gets me,” a character says on the TV series “Eastwick.”

  I have the same feeling. 

                                       *        *         *

 Gene Schumacher retired from NorthWestern Energy 13 years ago. “I always say five years later they went into bankruptcy. What does that tell you?”

                                       *        *         *

 You can’t play in the Frontier League if you’re 27 or older.

 “It’s kind of like the ‘Logan’s Run’ of independent ball,” says Mark Zoellner.

                                       *        *         *

 My wife fears that my sneeze will scare the neighbors.

                                        *        *         *

 Other than Mike Ferguson, does anyone else in Aberdeen wear a London Fog coat?

                                        *        *         *

  A woman asked Dave to visit her desk.

 “How about if I sashay over there?” Dave said.

                                       *        *         *

  Scott says the “infinity” mark is how Russ writes his age these days.

                                       *        *         *

 Aberdeen artist-musician Elizabeth Andrews has moved to Sioux Falls.

                                       *        *         *

 Two women were talking about clarified butter. One of the women, not understanding, asked to have the definition clarified.

                                         *        *         *

 Mondell has a beef with a local meat market because it’s now charging $19.99 a pound for beef strips.

                                       *        *         *

  If you call ahead to pick up a Monster Burger on Monday nights, they’ll make one, but they’re not crazy about it. Because sometimes people never pick them up.

                                       *        *         *

 Someone accused Mike of screaming like a little girl.

 “The only time I scream like a little girl is when Tony Romo throws three interceptions,” says Mike, a Cowboys fan.

                                        *        *         *

  “Brief Interviews with Hideous Men” is the title of a movie that opens nationally on Friday.

  Women who’ve been on speed dating could probably make the same film.

                                       *        *         *

  A new movie this Friday, “Ponyo,” might be about a Northern football player. Oh wait, his name is Ponzo.

                                       *        *         *

 Why would anyone watch a slow tractor race?

                                       *        *         *

 Billy Ray Cyrus will be in Ft. Yates, N.D., this Saturday.

                                       *        *         *

  Brad Wilson said, “Who’s that guy shorter than I am who works over there? Oh, it’s a baby.”

                                        *        *         *

 Mike Ferguson doesn’t like being asked which view is sharper when he goes to an ophthalmologist.

 “I contend 3 and 4 are the same. They’re just trying to mess with you.”

                                       *        *         *

 I’m going to go to Lebanon, S.D., to try some Lebanese cooking.

                                       *        *         *

 Dave says his best years are ahead of him.

 I can’t even imagine that concept. Like Chevy Chase, my best years were when Gerald Ford was president.

                                 *        *         *

  Mike Ferguson doesn’t understand why people say North Dakota varies from South Dakota .

  The truth is, he says, “There’s just not a lot of difference.”

September 21st, 2009 by jeffbahr

 Four movies open Friday at Carmike. They are “Fame,” “Pandorum,” “Surrogates” and “Ponyo.” 

                                                 *        *         *

  Leaving Thursday are “Sorority Row,” “Whiteout,” “Tyler Perry’s I Can Do Bad All by Myself” and the film whose name is not suitable for family audiences.

                                                   *        *         *

  Tops at the Aberdeen box office last weekend. in order, were “Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs,” “All About Steve,” “The Informant!”, “9” and “Jennifer’s Body.”

                                                 *        *         *

  Kevin Costner’s appearance Friday night at the Johnson Fine Arts Center drew an unusually large number of women. 

                                                 *        *         *

   Nick Pharris and I are going to start a club for people who don’t mind drinking cold coffee.

  Real men drink old coffee.

 “Whatever grows on top is just going to make me stronger,” says Nick.

                                                 *        *         *

  Michelle doesn’t keep the world informed of her every action on Facebook.

 “I don’t think anybody cares what I’m doing,” she says.

                                                 *        *         *

  Brad Wilson and Ryan Deal often bet a pop on the outcome of football games. But Ryan never pays off the bet.

 “So I owe him like 200 pops.”

                                                 *        *         *

  Helicopters always have great names — Apache, Blackhawk. 

  What could be more macho than piloting an Apache helicopter?

                                                  *        *         *

  Watching Penn State on TV, Mike Ferguson said, “Look at Paterno. Is he a hundred yet?”

                                                   *        *         *

   My wife spends a lot of time reimagining me.

                                                  *        *         *

   Whatever you call them — ATV’s, four-wheelers — I’m seeing more of them on the streets of Aberdeen.

                                                 *        *         *

   Regardless of what happens with the Northern football season, it’s clear the Wolves should have opened the season with a beatable opponent.

                                                  *        *         *

  People on soap operas are hardly ever happy. So it’s probably good that “Guiding Light” is gone. All the misery can finally end for the residents of Springfield.

                                                 *        *         *

  The Aberdeen Qdoba is one of three Qdobas owned in part by Stew Mehlhaff, who lives in Rapid City.

                                                  *        *         *

   Jake tried some of Nick’s Hot Love hot sauce.

  “It ain’t loving me,” Jake said the next day.

                                                 *        *         *

   Cris Collinsworth’s real name is Anthony Cris Collinsworth. He is named after actor Anthony Quinn.

                                                  *        *         *

  Sometimes I think my alma mater doesn’t really care about me as a person, but only wants my money.

                                                 *        *         *

 My wife has fallen head-over-heels in love with Taco John’s new quesadilla.

                                                 *        *         *

  I like “NCIS,” but I’m not going to watch the spinoff, set in LA.

                                                 *        *         *

   I talked to a woman who played basketball at Central under coach Vern Jark. She said he was a wonderful coach.

                                                 *        *         *

   I made a lot  of mistakes when I was a young man, right after I got out of Starfleet Academy. But I think I’m finally ready to command my own starship.

                                                 *        *         *

  USA Today is shrinking in size. 

                                                 *        *         *

   Dusty Johnson is the only friend I have in the whole world.

  “I can understand why,” says brutally honest Russ Keen. “Actually, I’m kind of surprised you have even one friend.”

                                                  *        *         *

    The TV critic for the Miami Herald calls Julianna Margulies “bleakly luminous.” 

  In a review of Margulies’ last series, Fox’s “Canterbury’s Law,” the LA Times critic referred to Margulies’ “impossibly arched eyebrows.” 

  Writer Robert King says “Julianna has the ability to communicate in facial expressions 100 times more than what we can in words.”

  What is the deal with this woman?

                                                *        *         *

 A recipe in Sunday’s Parade magazine called for Lego waffles, peanut butter and bananas.

 Whatever happened to syrup and butter?

September 18th, 2009 by jeffbahr

 Dan Richardt, our Aberdeen gas station expert, says M&H has operated in its location since 1951.

 Ernie Kusler has been in his spot 54 or 55 years.

                                       *       *      *

 Quality Quick Print will close its North Main Street location Wednesday at 6 p.m.

                                         *       *      *

 Women love consignment, but men don’t. “That’s because we wear clothes until they’re unwearable,” says Dan.

                                        *       *      *

 My kids are overly excited about the return of Larry David’s series Sunday night. My advice to each one is to curb your enthusiasm.

                                          *       *      *

 Could anyone tell  me why we have three Sinclair stations in Aberdeen?

                                        *       *      *

 Emily Arthur is more excited about the $6 price she paid than she is with the shoes she bought at Herberger’s.

 “I do enjoy a good bargain,” she admits.

                                        *       *      *

  A miracle happened in Scott Waltman’s life. He found a seagull-shaped hole in one of his Old Dutch potato chips.

                                        *       *      *

 Mike asked Michelle if she’s excited about the health care plan. “You want government to tell you what to do, don’t you?”

                                        *       *      *

 All women eventually conclude that men are useless.

                                        *       *      *

 Anita strongly believes in the right to bear arms. There is always a need for a militia.

 “You never know when the British government is going to break into your house.”  

                                        *       *      *

  I saw an episode of “Nash Bridges” Thursday. Now I picture myself driving around town in a 1971 Plymouth Barracuda.

                                        *       *      *

  The Aberdeen Area Humane Society has a 9-year-old husky that is “very friendly, listens well and would love to live in the house with a family.”    

  If a dog listens well, who needs a husband?

                                        *       *      *

 Why doesn’t Dairy Queen make a zucchini Blizzard?

                                         *       *      *

 On pregame shows, Gene Reich’s questions are so short sometimes they’re only two words: “Key today?” he asked the Upper Iowa coach.

                                        *       *      *

  This is the life of a football coach: After Chris Boden finished an interview at his house Wednesday at 8:45 p.m., he still had a few recruiting calls to make.

                                        *       *      *

  If you win the raffle at the annual chicken dinner Sept. 27 at Sacred Heart in Westport, will they say “winner winner, chicken dinner”?

                                        *       *      *

 Health Care Plus Federal Credit Union has a colorful new logo on its sign out front.

                                        *       *      *

 Lisa Schriver was happy Tuesday night, when she was honored for her 200th victory, because some of her close relatives and coach Don Meyer were there.

                                        *       *      *

 My wife takes her philosophy of love from the song “Midnight Train to Georgia.”

 She says, “I’d rather live in his world than live without him in mine.”

                                        *       *      *

 Why did I pay $2 for tomatoes? All around me I can get as many as I want for free.

                                        *       *      *

 Zappos, the online shoe company, is based in Henderson, Nev. The company’s merchandise is shipped from a warehouse in Shepherdsville, Ky.

                                        *       *      *

 I think traffic on Sixth Avenue seems to be getting worse.

                                        *       *      *

 Dan says the Redbox in front of Kessler’s is sometimes so busy there’s a line of people waiting to use it.

                                        *       *      *

 Football player Antwan Applewhite told Sports Illustrated, “I can eat anything and still have my figure. McDonald’s late at night, candy, doughnuts, anything — I still look good.”

                                        *       *      *

 Hearing the song “Danny Boy” makes me misty-eyed.

                                        *       *      *

 Which would you rather be — a kid in a candy store or a bull in a china shop?

                                        *       *      *

 Justin Morneau got hurt sliding into first base?

 “He pulled a Punto on us,” Dan Richardt says.

                                        *       *      *

 I think a coin scramble in straw sounds like fun.

                                        *       *      *

 If the city forester keeps chopping down timber, Aberdeen will once again become a treeless prairie town.

                                        *       *      *

 There’s a downside to getting one of those national restaurant chains. They do so much TV advertising they have to add $2 or $3 to the price of each entree.

                                        *       *      *

 The nemesis of Aberdonians is not Winona State or Watertown. It’s the culex tarsalis.

  

September 15th, 2009 by jeffbahr

  In booking music acts, the Red Rooster tells bands “We expect our performers to respect our audience and the venue. We don’t want the Rooster stage to be a platform for demeaning language towards women, minorities, people with disabilities, etc. If you get overly crude and offensive there’s a good chance we won’t have you back.”

                                                  *       *       *

   Noted cheapskate Russ is now smoking Cheyenne Cigars instead of Pall Mall.

   A carton of Cheyenne is $16, compared to about $50 for Pall Mall.

                                                  *       *       *

   Trying to sound knowledgeable, I mentioned the name Blake Lively.

  “You know that’s a girl, right?” Emily said.

                                                 *       *       *

  Shawn says Glaceau Vitamin Water is undrinkable. 

 “I took three sips and poured the rest of it down the sink. I wouldn’t even put it in your plants.”

                                                 *       *       *

  Dave, whose life is tennis, was watching when Serena erupted. “Even the sailors were ducking and diving when she let go.”

                                                  *       *       *

  “You’re looking Dantastic,” David Nelson said to Dan Richardt.

                                                 *       *       *

 On Tuesday morning, my son said “It’s now safe to put Baby in the corner.”

                                                  *       *       *

 Dan heard on ESPN that Patrick Swayze is remembered for three things — “Dirty Dancing,” “Ghost” and “Road House.”

 I’m the only person you know who saw “Road House” in the theater.

                                                 *       *       *

 Jay Leno’s new show seems an awful lot like his old show.

 I think he should forget about sitting in the casual chairs next to his guests. He just doesn’t look right.

                                                  *       *       *

 Carrie Cole never saw the “Tonight Show,” so she can’t compare. She goes to bed at 10 p.m.

                                                 *       *       *

If the SpaghettiOs don’t have meatballs in them, don’t bother inviting me over for lunch.

                                                 *       *       *

 To seal the cracks on the tips of his fingers, Greg Guenin uses Super Glue.

                                                 *       *       *

 Today’s golf course with a pretentious name:

 Pumpkin Ridge, which is “nestled at the base of the Tualatin Mountains” in Oregon.

  In regular conversation, have you ever heard anyone refer to a pumpkin ridge?

                                                  *       *       *

 Dan says if he loaned his credit card to his wife to buy shoes over the Internet, “I’d have to mortgage my house.”

                                                 *       *       *

 Sometimes I think 40 percent of the women in Aberdeen have tattoos.

                                                 *       *       *

 Two Many Banjos, a Duluth group, returns to Aberdeen Sept. 24.

                                              *       *       *

 if you took a poll of all Americans, I think Cocoa Krispies would be voted the No. 1 cereal.

                                                 *       *       *

 Where will Kevin Costner stay in Aberdeen? 

 “I invited him to my place, but he declined,” Shawn said.

                                                 *       *       *

  After all the great movies Paul Newman did, lots of young McDonald’s customers will know him only for producing salad dressing.

                                                 *       *       *

  To the list of movies I could watch every night, add “French Kiss,” with Meg Ryan and Kevin Kline.

  Fortunately, it is on every night.

                   *       *       *

 The NHL exhibition season began Monday.

                  *       *       *

 Do dentists in other cities put their patients’ hands in warm wax, or is that just in Aberdeen?

September 14th, 2009 by jeffbahr

“District 9” is leaving town this week, but it will be replaced by “9.”

                                      *          *          *

 In addition to “9,” the movies opening Friday are “The Informant!”, “Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs” and “Jennifer’s Body.”

 Leaving town Thursday night, in addition to “District 9,” are “Gamer,” “The Final Desination” and “Halloween 2.”

                                       *          *          *

 Area phone trivia:

 From Langford to Britton, which is 18 miles, is a local call.

 From Pierpont to Langford, which is 7 miles, is long distance.

                                         *          *          *

 If you see Patrick Steele, he might loan you a sawbuck, which is a $10 bill.

                                      *          *          *

 Northern faculty people Fred Hemke, Terry Beckler and Grant Manhart joined the Air Force band Sunday night.

 The Johnson Fine Arts Center was about 94 percent full for the concert.

                                       *          *          *

  Gargoyles give me the creeps. That’s why I avoid the railroad depot in Redfield.

                                      *          *          *

 Ryan Deal played in a golf tournament Monday, but he is tight-lipped about how he played. “I was off my game.”

                                      *          *          *

 The area near Mugs doesn’t look as good now, since the city chopped down a big tree.

                                        *          *          *

 Carla had a good time golfing Sunday. The weather was gorgeous and the beer was cold.

                                      *          *          *

 A Perkin’s waitress was wearing very wide bellbottom pants and a headband, which made her look like a gypsy. My wife says those flowing pants are called palazzo.

                                        *          *          *

 Russ says he’s a “master of deceit.”

 He is such a phony, he says, he doesn’t know who he is anymore.

                                      *          *          *

 I’m just like USD football player Jacob Arthur. We both cry whenever we watch “Rudy.”

                                      *          *          *

 Several members of the Green Bay Packers have long hair. “They need to hire a team barber,” says my son Bryan.

                                      *          *          *

 Solo pianist George Winston will perform at the Johnson Fine Arts Center on Oct. 4. 

                                       *          *          * 

  People at United Blood Service like going to the Grasslands colony.  

                                      *          *          *

 Aberdeen guitarist Marcus Hooks detests the music of Elvis Presley.

                                      *          *          *

 The Northeast South Dakota Celtic Faire and Games has two billboards in Aberdeen and one in Webster. They have also advertised in newspapers in Duluth and Sioux City.

                                      *          *          *

 The grandfather of the youth pictured on the billboard likes it so much he’s going to actually buy the billboard.

                                      *          *          *

 Over the weekend, I heard an announcer refer to a very important car race. I don’t believe any car race is important.

September 11th, 2009 by jeffbahr

 My son Bryan has tried a peanut butter and banana sandwich, and says it wasn’t bad.

The crunchiness of the peanut butter “kind of offset the mushiness of bananas,” he says.

                                                *       *       *

 I’m going to open the Morgan Lewis School of Suicide.

 There, we will teach right-handed men how to shoot themselves on the left side of the neck.

 We will learn how to hide the handgun 40 yards away in a trash bin.

                                                *       *       *

 The new building in the old KFC location has a name: It’s Dakota Crossing.

                                               *       *       *

 A bumper sticker spotted in Aberdeen: “Things get better with age. I’m approaching magnificent.”

                                               *       *       *

 As any Packer fan knows, the five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

 Until recently, I didn’t know that the stages can come in any order.

                                               *       *       *

 Mondell came up with this imaginary headline:

 “Cops wreck vehicle; doughnuts blamed”

                                               *       *       *

  We were surprised to find that Holy Infant Hospital in Hoven is no longer owned by Catholics.

 “In Hoven, even the convenience store is Catholic,” Scott said.

 “Yeah, in Hoven, even the Methodist Church is Catholic,” Russ said.

                                               *       *       *

  Emily said to Scott, “My husband is going to the game with you.”

  Why?

 “Because I want him out of the house.”

                                               *       *       *

 An American News photographer tips $4 when he gets a $16 haircut.

 Kelda says she never gets a tip, and she cuts the hair of everyone in her house.

                                               *       *       *

 Sid Schroeder says motorcyclists — especially the experienced ones — are extremely good drivers

 In safety school, they are taught to look two blocks ahead.

                                                 *       *       *

 Like all men, I am constantly evolving.

                                               *       *       *

 If H1N1 comes to Aberdeen, we should reactivate the group Capture the Plague.

                                               *       *       *

  I have no interest in a candy called Swedish fish.

                                               *       *       *

 Minnesota football coach Tim Brewster can’t say three words without using the word “tremendous.”

                                                *       *       *

  Aberdeen policemen like to stop people — even bicyclists — for rolling through stop signs

                                               *       *       *

  I don’t think Michael Jordan is the best player ever.

  “Then there’s something wrong with you,” says Ryan Deal.

                                                *       *       *

   A company called Manitoba Harvest has introduced a line of Hemp Protein Powders. 

                                                *       *       *

  A new book says Madison native Eugene Vidal was romantically linked with Amelia Earhart.

  The father of author Gore Vidal, the elder Vidal was a star athlete at the University of South Dakota.

                                                *       *       *

  Aberdeen Parks, Recreation and Forestry will offer a Hypertufa Garden Art class later this month.

  Hypertufa is a concrete-like substance that will be fashioned into an organic-looking planter.

  Garden art has always been one of my passions.

 I like to create garden art while watching football. That’s just who I am.

                         *        *        *

  This blog has an amazingly high readership among women named Jen.

 Among women named Jen who’re involved in garden art, I bet our demographics go through the roof.

September 10th, 2009 by jeffbahr

  There will be a Central Park concert on Sept. 11 in Aberdeen. Yes, in Aberdeen.

 The Park and Rec people are starting to refer to the grassy area across from the Yapatorium as Central Park.

 My daughter says it makes sense. The area is near the old Central, and it’s where people used to park.

                                       *         *         *

 The Northern soccer team has a new tower at the Jerde soccer field. The tower is good for observing practice and taping action, coach Steve Kehm said on the radio Wednesday.

                                    *         *         *

 The new Dex phone book groups Britton, Redfield and Webster together in one area.

 Not only that, but the word “Area” is shortened to “Are” on the side of the page.

 Britton, Redfield, Webster Are. They are what?

                                   *         *         *

 Northern football coach Chris Boden says the No. 1 goal against Upper Iowa Saturday is stopping the run. 

 “I really feel like our corners are pretty darn good,” he said Wednesday on KSDN. Cornerback is “one of our deepest positions.” 

 “But we’ve got to get our d-line groovin’ a little bit and get our linebackers scraping and making plays and triggering a little bit faster.”

                                    *         *         *

 Scott wants to be known as Snarky McSnarkerson.

                                   *         *         *

 This fall in Aberdeen, you can say the autumn wind is a pirate.

 Gypsy Day, on Oct. 10, will have a pirate theme, “Yo Ho, Yo Ho, a Gypsy’s Life for Me.”

                                       *         *         *

  Scott spotted a fashion faux pas in the newsroom. “White after Labor Day, Anita? Really?”

                                   *         *         *

 John Davis says I-29 in Iowa will never be done. “It’s been that way for five years.”

                                    *         *         *

  I know what Simon Baker’s secret is on “The Mentalist.” The guy’s always wearing a vest.

  If I wore a vest, the ladies would like me, too.

                                   *         *         *

 If a church luncheon suggests a donation, what if you come back with your own suggestion?

 Would it be proper to haggle?

                                   *         *         *

  What happens if you mix the Red Hot Chili Peppers with the Black Eyed Peas? Is the result nourishing?

                                    *         *         *

  I was very disappointed to find President Obama trading cards on the desk of Carrie Cole.

 “Did you want to look at them?” she said. “They’re kind of neat. I’ll let you borrow them for a while.”

                                   *         *         *

  The Blue Dog Democrats were founded at a secret gathering at Blue Dog Lake. Stephanie Herseth made s’mores for everyone.

  I made that up.

                                    *         *         *

  I wonder if NSU music professor Timothy Woods is called “Tiger” by his friends.

                                     *         *         *

 The only way Pierre is superior to Aberdeen is it has a Walgreen’s.

                                   *         *         *

 The new Augustana football stadium is called Kirkeby-Over. Who are the money bag guys named Kirkeby and Over?

                                   *         *         *

 The only primates you’ll find in Aberdeen are Production Monkeys.

                                   *         *         *

 If you’re looking for me in North Platte, Neb., you’ll find me at the Valentino’s buffet.

                                   *         *         *

 The new film “Whiteout,” set in Antarctica, was actually filmed in Canada.

                                     *         *         *

 Whenever baseball comes to mind at ESPN, they think of the Red Sox and Yankees.

                                   *         *         *

 People say “Have a good one.”
 A good what?

                                   *         *         *

 Would someone explain to me why Gatorade is now called G?

                                   *         *         *

 Iowa State football coach Paul Rhoads says, “We’ll hit you coming off the bus.”

  Remind me not to get off a bus in Ames, Iowa.

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 The newsroom printer understands me better than my wife does.

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 This year, Shawn and I are going to miss John Madden.