July 31st, 2009 by jeffbahr

A new restaurant called Max & Erma’s, part of a national chain, is going into the old Arby’s location.
This news is courtesy of the action news team of Sheri Gross and Dan Richardt.

*           *            *

This has not been confirmed, but it’s worth trying:
Supposedly, McDonald’s will serve you pancakes anytime — not just for breakfast.

*           *            *

It’s happened. My wife has discovered “Drop Dead Diva.”

*           *            *

How much does Russ like food?
“He can smell ice cream a mile away,” said Anita.

*           *            *
Friday morning, Russ was about to grab one of the doughnuts a woman brought us.
Dave walked in. “Wasn’t Russ eating when I left yesterday?” he asked.

*           *            *

Shawn says Wild Oats is more expensive than The Flame.
At the Flame, he says, you can get a chicken fried steak for $6.95.
“You can’t even get onion rings for that at Wild Oats.”

*           *            *

I would be perfectly happy living at The Flame.

*           *            *

What became of the old Holgate pool?
“I think they turned it into an underwater tennis court,” said Dave Vilhauer.

*           *            *

Dan and Scott go everywhere together .
“Emily,” Dan said to his wife, “did you realize when you were marrying me you were also marrying Scott?”

*           *            *

After you trade in your car in the Cash for Clunkers program, its oil is replaced with sodium silicate. That will make the car speak the truth.
Oh wait, truth serum is sodium penathol.

*           *            *

An e-mail says rum “is an enigma offering something of merit to nearly every grade of consumer. Rum can be cheap and fiery best enjoyed whilst masked by ice, fruit juice, and a clever vessel. Rum can also be subtle, intriguing, and dare I say contemplative.”

*           *            *
I always keep it very real. I am Mr. Authentic.

*           *            *

Speaking of authenticity, why do they call Arkansas the natural state?

*           *            *
Two people tell me the food used to be better at Terry’s than Scotty’s, but Scotty’s was still a better place to go.

*           *            *
Sheri Gross’ biceps are now so large I’m afraid of her.
She could easily beat me up. But the nice part is she would make you halupsi afterward.

*           *            *
Brad Wilson recalls concert appearances in Aberdeen by Pablo Cruise, Brownsville Station, the Grass Roots and the Raspberries.
The Grass Roots played the Wylie Park Pavillion.

*           *            *
My fear is I go home someday and find “an elite squad of guinea pigs.”

*           *            *

Duane Riedel was angry that I didn’t invite him to have some of the ice cream in the advertising department.
“I would have watched yours while you got mine,” he said.

*           *            *
The other day, I found some proof in my pudding.

*           *            *

Every day, Dan and Emily go to lunch without inviting me.
“You’re always invited Jeff,” Dan said.
I don’t believe him.

*           *            *
The backstop next to Simmons Middle School, where I used to pitch to my kids, is gone. But the infield remains.

*           *            *
I find modern relationships fascinating.

*           *            *
Lots of people seem to go to Carmike on Tuesday nights for the cheap popcorn and pop.

*           *            *
In my next job, I’ll be the face of the waste disposal industry.

*           *            *
My favorite Stevie Nicks song is “Landslide.”

*           *            *
I’m good at giving lip service and blowing my own horn.

*           *            *
Because of my love of dance, I look upon my body as an instrument.

*           *            *
I told Carla life is tough.
“That’s what happens when you get old,” said Carla, who is six months younger than I am.

*           *            *
A low-carb diet is tough for me, because I like everything potatoes stand for.

*           *            *

Maybe I’m an old guy, but I still like the Muppets.

*           *            *
For headgear in “The Producers,” women wear a large sausage, a beer stein, horns and a pretzel.

*           *            *

I haven’t seen it yet, but I hear the Don Meyer video is great.

*           *            *
The banking industry is suffering from chronic fatigue syndrome.

*           *            *
I thought my boycott would deal a crippling blow to M&H.
Have they put a “Closed” sign up yet?

July 29th, 2009 by jeffbahr

The radio ads for Saturday night’s Monster Truck and Mud Bogg Spectacular say “Brown County Speedway will never be the same!”
Would you say that’s hyperbole?

*             *            *

The flyer says there’ll be 1,800 horsepower flying 40 feet in the air. That’s what makes this country great.
I bet North Korea can’t do that.

*              *            *

Quick — what’s the current price of a stamp?
The answer is at the bottom.

*             *            *

According to Dan Richardt, Henry Neill alumni say they went to elementary school at Arby’s.

*             *            *

Eating blue M&M’s help prevent spinal cord injuries.
“At least now I have a good reason to eat M&M’s,” says Michelle.

*             *            *

Considering the benefits of dairy, an M&M Blizzard is probably the healthiest food in the world.

*             *            *
When Melgaard Park first opened, it was much bigger than it is now. It had a wading pool, enclosed picnic shelter, a superintendent’s house, several nurseries, a barn-machine shed, two fountains and a concession stand.
Some of the land went toward the School for the Blind and Visually Impaired.

*             *            *

A booklet called “Aberdeen’s Parkland Heritage, 1881-1931” says Aberdeen was a “treeless prairie town” until Andrew Melgaard planted a grove of trees in 1881.

*             *            *

I thought Dan Richardt worshipped his wife. “He does. Secretly,” she says.

*             *            *

I plan to inform my wife that she is my life partner.

*             *            *

Mike Ferguson says the only thing Sarah rages about is recycling.

*             *            *

On Aug. 1, Brad Wilson will have gone a year without hearing any wife say anything good about her husband.

*             *            *

The only person not happy about Brett Favre’s retirement is his wife.

*             *            *
Sheri Gross complains about flab on her arm.
“It keeps waving long after I’m done.”

*             *            *
I think the Alexander Mitchell Library is just fine the way it is.
My wife, always opinionated, say they put quite a bit of dough into fixing the library not long ago. And now they want to build a new one?

*             *            *

Dan Richardt says there used to be a batting cage behind the Last Chance.

*             *            *
Speaking of batting cages, he says the one at Moccasin Creek has been torn down. I thought it was still standing. I never leave this building.

*             *            *

My wife is applying for a permit to carry a handgun.
“I’d watch it if I were you,” says Sheri Gross.

*             *            *

The president of the Bristol Commercial Club has a musical name —Allegra Duerre.

*             *            *
I let Ryan Deal use my card reader. I think he used it for calf-roping. Those West River guys love rodeo.

*             *            *

The front door at Dakota Broadcasting identifies it as the company’s “world headquarters.”

*             *            *

My co-workers are experts on smuggling food into the movie theater.
“With the right purse, you can sneak it in,” says the woman who sits next to me.
Others say winter is the best time because you can stuff food into your coat sleeves.

*             *            *

Presentation College plans to add a couple of master’s degrees.

*             *            *
The Lamont building in the old Godfather’s location looks better every day. The second story makes it especially impressive.

*             *            *
The building in the old KFC location also looks good, but it is taking a while.
“I don’t know why they just didn’t tear it down and start over,” says a hard-hitting co-worker.

*             *            *

Who made the Amish experts on fireplaces?

*             *            *
A soldier who was in the first Gulf War says they pitted scorpions against each other in “rooster fights.”
I don’t blame those guys in the least. They were in a tough place and they needed entertainment.
But other than the fact that scorpions aren’t cute, how different is that from dog fighting?

*             *            *
I think IHOP stands for International House of Polka.

*             *            *
“I always enjoy not being here,” a co-worker says of work. There is “no better place not to be.”

*             *            *
I can’t decide if I want to be a professional walleye fisherman or a falconry instructor.

*             *            *
Have you ever seen an accordion player without a smile?

*             *            *

Shawn took piano lessons for five years.
“I was so bad I went through three teachers.”

*             *            *
An e-mail said, “Great caddies make for great golf.”
So, having a top-rate professional caddy will make you a good golfer?

*             *            *
I feel so insignificant. M&H doesn’t even know I’m boycotting them.
I was hoping my actions would bring the store to its knees.

*             *            *

Three wonderful people from Northern — Richelle Braun, Jenny Vaughn and Amanda M. — stunned me by bringing me a Blizzard.
“Would you put in your blog I like cigarettes and liquor?” said Kim Dosch.

*             *            *

Shawn says “zucchini is good baked with lots of butter.”

*             *            *
Which mountain range provides the world’s best skiing?
The Alps, the Rockies or Crandall Hills?

*             *            *

“I’ve been wondering what kind of shampoo you use,” Russ said.
My co-workers have been treating me differently since I mentioned that nobody comments on my hair.
“Did you do something different with your hair?’ Mike said.
Someone also asked if I lightened it.

*             *            *
Until this week, I didn’t know 3-M had a cafeteria.

*             *            *
A Groton mother — let’s call her Carla — drove all the way to Watertown to have her daughter’s senior photos taken.
For her other daughter, she drove to LaMoure, N.D.

*             *            *

The scariest creature Aberdeen could imagine is a giant Culex tarsalis.
If the guys at the Red Rooster want to make an Aberdeen-based horror movie, that would be the perfect beast.

*             *            *

Eighty percent of the vans in any parking lot are either Town & Country or Grand Caravans — just like mine.

*             *            *
My life revolves almost totally around dance.

*             *            *
A stamp costs 44 cents.

July 27th, 2009 by jeffbahr

Opening Friday at Carmike are “Funny People” and “Aliens in the Attic.”
Leaving Thursday is “The Hangover.”

*           *            *

“The Ugly Truth” was No. 1 at the Aberdeen box office last weekend.

*           *            *
If you’ve seen the preview for “Funny People,” you’ve seen the movie.

*           *            *
A big music festival runs Thursday through Saturday five miles northwest of Leola. It’ll be interesting to see how many people show up.
One of the acts has a great name: The Lazy River Skiffle Band. Members of the Beatles were always talking about skiffle music.

*           *            *
Mike and Emily were speculating about the personal life of John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt,
Their main question was: Why does he have two last names?

*           *            *
Laura Ptacek, our Ipswich correspondent, paid $43 for supper at Mt. Rushmore last Friday night. “We had pot roast and pumpkin pie—cafeteria style. That seemed kind of odd…”

*           *            *

“Even though we were in our home state of South Dakota, I only saw about five South Dakota license plates the whole weekend,” Laura Ptacek says. There was a little girl at the Mt. Rushmore lighting ceremony from Paris.

*           *            *
A half-pint of milk from McDonald’s costs $1.20, and a small coffee at Burger King is $1.40.
I’m not sure of this, but I think the largest coffee at Burger King is actually called a medium. It’s $1.60.

*           *            *
I think Lakewood Mall needs an Orange Julius.

*           *            *
I like to buy a book once in a while at the Little Professor, just to make sure we continue to have a bookstore.

*           *            *
Women are always complimenting each other about their hair. I don’t see that positive reinforcement among men. Or maybe it’s just that nobody ever praises my hair.

*           *            *
Youth baseball finishes up Tuesday in Aberdeen.

*           *            *
If you’re going to Dairy Queen, pick me up a Blizzard.

*           *            *
A guy who knows finances says you should have an account at Wells Fargo only if you’re a business.

*           *            *
Sometimes, a croissant is almost as good as a doughnut.

*           *            *
The best shows on public radio are on Sunday evenings: “Marian McPartland’s Piano Jazz,” “Big Band Spotlight” and “Thistle and Shamrock.”

*           *            *
I’m sorry: I just don’t care that much about the smoking ban.

*           *            *
My new favorite sports name: Gopher running back Shady Salamon.

*           *            *
Here’s something you didn’t know: Warren Buffett’s Berkshire Hathaway owns Geico.

*           *            *
Here’s a travel tip from Laura Ptacek: “Don’t take Iron Mountain Road from Keystone to Custer State Park at 11:30 p.m. You will NOT see any other cars, because everyone else knows that you don’t take that road after dark. I would recommend the county road that you can sneak across to get from Keystone to CSP and save about 5 miles, 20 minutes, and most of the curvy drop-offs. No one-lane  tunnels, either.”

*           *            *
I think “Saw VII” should begin with a view of the gruesome overhang above the doors at the old Central. That thing gives me the creeps.

*           *            *
My wife, by the way, says “overhang” isn’t the right word for the scary thing above the door. She also says the style isn’t Gothic, but she can’t think of the correct word. And she calls herself an architectural buff.

*           *            *

The man in your life is in a good mood because football season is almost here.

*           *            *
Why does my wife care about home prices in Prague? That’s what she sees on “House Hunters International.” Is she thinking about moving overseas without me?

July 25th, 2009 by jeffbahr

I won’t be trying the fish taco at Long John Silver’s.

* * *
I have made three pledges:
I will never watch a “Tonight Show” hosted by Conan O’Brien.
I will never eat a fish taco.
I will never return to M&H.

* * *

Carla had a Weight Watchers entrée for lunch.
“I would rather have had a big fat cheeseburger. But you do what you’ve got to do.”

* * *
Schwan’s Recreation reminds Dan Richardt of Slippery’s Bar from “Grumpy Old Men.”

* * *
I asked my ninth-grade niece what one item she would bring into the wilderness.
“A mirror,” she said.

* * *

Russ had a doctor’s appointment Wednesday.
“Should I worry about his health?” I asked Scott.
“Have you seen him?”

* * *

“Attractiveness is an admirable quality in a woman,” says Mike Ferguson.

* * *

My birthday was a week ago, and my daughter’s present still hasn’t arrived.

* * *

In the old Colonial Rose is a store called New Attitude, which offers “affordable fashion under $20.01.”

* * *

Shawn cries when he pays $18 for a haircut.
For a women, he says, an $18 haircut is a bargain.

* * *

Shawn says his old barber was in a bad mood after he got a divorce.
“I thought he might get scissor-happy so I said ‘I’m out of here.’ I don’t want to be around a ticked-off guy with a sharp object.”

* * *
Mike says “Caddyshack” was a great movie. “I can’t believe it was shunned by the Oscars.”

* * *
Mike says Ryan Deal has gone into hiding “after the Erin Andrews video mess.”

* * *

TV columnist Chuck Barney says two federal agents in “Warehouse 13” are assigned against their will “to a mysterious vault in South Dakota teeming with strange and supernatural artifacts.”
That sounds like the storage unit I used to use.

* * *

This ad is in this week’s Britton Journal:
“Dr. Fisher wants to remind all people putting up hay to please put their dogs and cats away while sickle mowing.”

* * *
When Deb came into work Friday, Anne told her “Thank God you’re here.”
Why?
She was just glad to have another woman around.

* * *
Dan notes that The Drink is completely remodeled and tobacco-free.
He wonders if you can chew tobacco in there.

* * *
A local man was disappointed by the lunch served after a funeral this week. All they had were coffee and cookies.
He was shocked to find “a Methodist funeral without ham sandwiches and potato salad.”

* * *
Ron doesn’t wonder what’s for lunch when he attends a funeral.
“Just wondering if I’m next,” he says.

* * *
Every man loves his mother’s potato salad.

* * *

My relatives in California have to worry about roof rats, whatever they are.

* * *

Why doesn’t anyone ever talk about the elephant in the room?

* * *
The Santa Fe Opera is presenting something called “opera noir.” I assume it has a gumshoe who sings.

* * *

The projects the city is doing on street corners are called “accessibility ramps.”

* * *
We are all sad because Sarah Ottney, an unusually literate and responsible journalist, is leaving the American News.
We will miss her even though she is a raging Democrat.

* * *
Katherine Heigel had a terrible appearance earlier this week on David Letterman, but she was much better Thursday night on Jimmy Kimmel.

* * *
According to a sign outside, U.S. Bank has a Western Union location.

* * *
Scott Waltman likes cold-pressed coffee with caramel flavoring at the Red Rooster.

* * *
I visited the Wolf Stop and was impressed.
Not only does it look better in there, but you can put cinnamon and nutmeg in your coffee.

* * *
Here’s my convenience store trivia question: Which store has a bigger liquor selection, M&H or the Wolf Stop?
I say the Wolf Stop.

* * *
The pet of the week in Sunday’s American News is a ferret.

* * *

Party in the Pasture near Groton had mud drags, mud volleyball and also a mud tug-of-war.

* * *
I lost my mojo last Thursday, and I can’t find it.

* * *
Good news: OK Tire is still open.
They fixed my tire Friday in very skillful fashion and charged me $15.90.
I love OK Tire.

* * *

This question arose: Was the Taco Bell’s dog bigger than Lassie?
I think not.

* * *
Scotty’s Drive-In was built in 1962. It is patterned after the “genre architecture of John Lautner,” according to the tourism booklet you see around town.

* * *
According to Aberdeen Mosquito Control, bats are not effective at controlling mosquitoes. “Although there is no doubt that bats eat mosquitoes, they are opportunistic feeders.”

* * *
If you’ve never been inside the Convention and Visitors Bureau office in the Old Milwaukee Depot, go see it. It’s gorgeous in there.

* * *
Mark Zoellner has fond memories of playing king of the hill on the snow mountain outside of his school.

* * *
This fall, Aberdeen Central graduate Jamal Elkhader will attend MIT.

* * *
Stutsman Harley in Jamestown is a great name for a Harley dealer.

* * *

Big upsets in the B League playoffs Thursday: The No. 4 seed beat No. 1, and No. 3 defeated No. 2.

* * *
Deb Smith says her desk is messy, but Mike says it’s nothing like mine.
“You need to give her some pointers.”

* * *
Keith Kusler says when he had trouble moving, Vern Jark would say, “I’m stiffer than a new broom.”

* * *
Looking for a man who gets plenty of exercise and eats all the right things?
I’m not that guy.

* * *

This town is consumed with ennui.

* * *
In Aberdeen, a block is 300 feet long. A street is 66 feet wide.

* * *
What the heck are spider mums?

* * *
All of a sudden, I’m hearing the word musculature a lot.
I don’t see much of it in the mirror, but I hear the word a lot.

* * *
Scott said of a local popcorn machine: “It kicks out some good corn.”

* * *
Some hip people call the Red Rooster “The Roo.”

* * *
At Kessler’s, I saw something called a doughnut peach. They actually were in the shape of a doughnut.

* * *
A glass of wine has more personality than I do.

* * *
For some reason, teenage girls love the movie “Twilight.”

* * *
We heard about a house fire on the scanner. “Maybe they were making fleischkuechle,” Angie said.

* * *
More and more, I appreciate people with good manners.

* * *
Nora Ephron wrote, “The amount of maintenance involving hair is genuinely overwhelming. Sometimes I think that not having to worry about your hair anymore is the secret upside of death.”

* * *
I’m conducting a worldwide war on dandruff.
I’m winning the battle head and shoulders over everybody else.

* * *

You know you’re a loser if you dial a crisis hotline and they don’t even bother to answer.

* * *
Brad Wilson says an old grouch is defined by a “general bitterness” about life.

* * *
TV critics love any series on HBO.

* * *
I went to the batting cage last Saturday.
As they used to say about Ted Williams, getting a fastball past me is like trying to sneak a sunrise past a rooster.

* * *
This advice was on my receipt from OK Tire:
“Attention! Be sure to re-torque lug nuts after 50 miles.”

* * *
Rather than be at work, Ron says he’d prefer “sitting out in a boat with a worm on the end of a line.”

July 22nd, 2009 by jeffbahr

This is odd:
On Sunday nights in Aberdeen, beginning at 9:30 p.m., you can sing karaoke at two places — Shenanigans and Wild Oats.
I thought everybody stayed home Sunday nights to watch “Masterpiece Theater.”

*         *         *
Russ asked why I don’t wear a wedding band.
“I’ve outgrown it,” I said.
“The band or the marriage?” Russ said.

*         *         *

Whoever heard of music at Schwan’s Recreation?
That’s what you’ll get this Friday night, when they have karaoke.

*         *         *

The city says “The Adulticiding equipment is noisy and travels at 10 mph.” They aren’t kidding.

*         *         *
Cannon Hannigan is the name of Jared Hannigan’s little brother.
With a name like that, I assume he has a good arm.

*         *         *
Five days after my birthday, I’m still waiting for my daughter’s present to arrive.
Her brother is suspicious of the presents Brenna supposedly buys that “will be getting sent any day now.”

*         *         *

I’m definitely seeing more scooters than ever before.

*         *         *

The regular season concluded Tuesday in Aberdeen youth baseball. The playoffs start Thursday.

*         *         *

One good thing about the Northern Fort Playhouse: You can eat popcorn during the play.

*         *         *

The Municipal Band concert last Thursday was so chilly that people were covering themselves with blankets.

*         *         *
Ridiculous Days are this weekend. Those are the days Minnesota Twins entertain playoff hopes.

*         *         *

I don’t know what to do with my wife. She’s becoming addicted to “The Big Bang Theory.”

*         *         *

Mobridge radio legend Pat Morrison, who is 83, now has a blog.

*         *         *
Steve Karrigan brought six peach kuchens to work that his wife made.
“I’m not a fan of the kuchen,” says Stacey Usselman.

*         *         *
I have a crush on Betty Crocker.
But she doesn’t even know I exist.

*         *         *
Dan Richardt can’t have any fun because he has to mow his lawn.
“Get some Roundup. Kill the whole thing,” advises ruthless Carrie Cole.

*         *         *
Carrie’s husband, by the way, is one of those guys who likes to mow his lawn.
Only people who have riding lawnmowers feel that way.

*         *         *

Circle this on your calendars:
Lakewood Mall is having a back-to-school fashion show July 31.

*         *         *

A guy I know grew up on the mean streets of Leola.

*         *         *

Every day, I struggle to stay relevant. It’s a losing battle.

*         *         *

All it takes is to buy a Ford one time and you’ll never buy another, says my brother-in-law.

*         *         *

What do you call a postulate formed by Michael Jackson?
Theory of a Deadman.

*         *         *

ESPN and CBS will pay the SEC a combined $3 billion over the next 15 years. That is why football games have so many commercials.

*         *         *

If you hang around Minnesota, you hear people talk about a 25 horse Merc.

*         *         *
Democratic Presidents always wear jeans.
Republicans don’t wear jeans.

*         *         *

Sheri Gross makes a fantastic caramel roll.

*         *         *

You know it. I know it. We all know it.
Men can’t be counted on.

*         *         *

Brett Favre is thinking about retiring from his high school team in Hattiesburg, Miss. He will have an emotional news conference Thursday.

July 20th, 2009 by jeffbahr

“Bruno” doesn’t seem to be the hit that “Borat” was.
“Bruno” is already leaving Aberdeen Thursday night.
One of the Carmike employees is glad to see it go. “I got fed up with the people trying to sneak into it.”

*            *           *
Also leaving Carmike Thursday are “Public Enemies” and “My Sister’s Keeper.”

*            *           *

Opening Friday at Carmike are “The Ugly Truth,” “Orphan” and “G-Force.” The latter film will be shown in both 3-D and 2-D. The difference is $2.50 in price.

*            *           *

A guy told me that artist Terry Redlin is living in a retirement home and can barely communicate because of Alzheimer’s.

*            *           *

Hardee’s is now selling cinnamon-sugar biscuit holes with icing. What kind of breakfast food is that?

*            *           *

In spite of their intense advertising efforts, I just have never gotten into breakfast at fast-food places.

*            *           *

I hear Heatbox has got quite a following in Aberdeen.

*            *           *

Mike Ferguson says my desk is “a model of organization.” I don’t think he means it.

*            *           *

Russ and I disagree about the old Gothic overhangs that loom ominously above entrances at the old Central.
I think they’re ugly and scary. Russ says they’re beautiful.

*            *           *

Hello to Kari in Rochester, who turned 40 in May.

*            *           *

Of course, the winning lottery ticket was sold at M&H. Where else?

*            *           *

I don’t know anybody who can play the jaw harp. But I know old guys who can jaw with the best of them.

*            *           *

To me, quilting is the second-most boring subject in the world. It’s right behind auto racing.

*            *           *

My son Bryan predicts a tough year ahead for me.
“I hear 53 is rough,” he says.

*            *           *

Use of the accelerator is just one of many ways my wife and I don’t agree. We just live at different speeds.

*            *           *

Why, exactly, is Jesse James a dead man?

*            *           *

Every once in a while, just for fun, I like to take the bull by the horns.

*            *           *

My brother-in-law actually looks forward to mowing his lawn. I guess that’s what happens when you have a riding lawn mower equipped with a cold beverage.

*            *           *

Shawn was gone a week, but didn’t leave town. “I had what they call a Staycation.”

July 17th, 2009 by jeffbahr

I agree completely with Cassandra, who says, “Minnesota needs to get with the times and increase the speed limit. That 55 mph stuff is just ridiculous.”

*            *            *

Deb and I agree that a tidy desk is the sign of a deranged mind.

*            *            *
“I’m not a seaman by trade, but I can tell a dinghy from a donkey,” Dave Vilhauer says.

*            *            *

Cassandra notes that “The Bachelorette” is coming to a close. “The producers must have been hurting for ratings this season, because they’ve made her look like a real fool on several occasions.”

*            *            *

Our new vending machine is smarter than most of my co-workers,

*            *            *
Richelle says a person from Ipswich is an Ipswichite.
Is that like Vegemite?

*            *            *

Dave Vilhauer was actually playing tennis Friday morning at 6:30 a.m.

*            *            *

French dip, French vanilla, French onion soup. Why are the French so good at everything?

*            *            *
Ron says the closest some people get to hockey is that they like ice in their Long Island iced tea.

*            *            *

A guy say “Rhubarb is a noxious weed.”
Is that true?

*            *            *
I’m switching to health food. From now on my doughnuts will be holistic.

*            *            *
Sometimes, I don’t make the wisest wardrobe choices.

*            *            *

Ryan Deal says in his neighborhood, this was the funniest line ever:
“I’m going to Ipswich for a bull sale.”
Ipswich doesn’t have a sale barn, which is apparently what makes that line uproarious. At least in Timber Lake.

*            *            *

PC president Lorraine Hale wouldn’t do this in a million years. But she says a for-profit entity would snap up PC tomorrow if it were allowed to. Apparently, the world of education is changing.

*            *            *
To me, the Minnesota Vikings represent the forces of darkness.

*            *            *
I wish Dewey County had a town named Justin.
Then you could have the twin cities of Justin-Timber Lake.

*            *            *

My really hip friends call me “J Bro.”

*            *            *
On a Friday afternoon in July, our parking lot looks pretty empty.

*            *            *
I can’t decide if I should go to the International Bipolar Disorder Conference. I’m of two minds on the subject.

*            *            *

Peggy Scott warns against putting too much water in a Topsy Turvy Tomato plant. The results could be disastrous.

*            *            *
The final verdict is in: Dan Richardt says the town’s best sweet potato fries are at Palm Garden.

*            *            *
Trouble doesn’t have any problem finding Jake McCluskey.
“It knows right where I’m at all the time, that’s for sure.”

*            *            *
Carla says the funniest series on TV is “Wipeout.”
She and her daughter are also watching the Paris Hilton series.

*            *            *
I love those giant tents I find at quasquicentennials.

*            *            *
If I come across outdoor bowling, I always watch.

*            *            *
The chicken pot pie bites from M&H are outstanding. (I still haven’t been inside M&H; Dan Richardt gave me one).

*            *            *
I’m engaged in small-unit tactical training for invading local doughnut shops.

*            *            *
Thursday night’s episode of “30 Rock” was the best ever. Very inventively, the writer applied the lesson of “Harry and the Hendersons” to three different characters.

*            *            *
“I don’t think it’s any fun to watch the British Open unless the weather’s bad,” says Mike Ferguson.

*            *            *
People born in July are a special people, a chosen breed.

*            *            *
On the Twins, Nick Punto plays the role of a “gaping hole at second base,” Mark Zoellner says.

*            *            *

“Look how big he is,” somebody said about Elissa’s young son.
“Are they talking about you, Dave?” Deb said.

*            *            *
In the new TNT series “Dark Blue,”  Dylan McDermott says to two cops chowing down dougnnuts, “You guys are doing nothing for the stereotype.”
He also says, “This better be good, I haven’t seen 7 a.m. since 1992.”

*            *            *

I like his sleeping habits. Morning people need counseling.

*            *            *

My son thinks some members of the Oak Grove High School team have played with Brett Favre all four summers of his annual comeback tour.

*            *            *
A baseball team in the D Minor League is called the Clubbers. They’re the team from the Boys & Girls Club.

*            *            *
It’s easy to get a series on HBO. You just have to make a show that defies convention, shatters society’s norms and breaks all the rules.

*            *            *

An exercise program here at work is called Route 66. Another program, for those with demonic influences, is Route 666.

July 15th, 2009 by jeffbahr

Coach Don Meyer and Brenda Dreyer of Northern met Ben Roethlisberger in LA Wednesday. Roethlisberger was familiar with Meyer’s story.

*          *           *

When Meyer appeared on “Mike and Mike” Wednesday morning, the two hosts were back in Bristol.

*          *           *
PC President Lorraine Hale notes that her campus is called Presentation Heights. “I think it’s 4 or 5 feet higher than the rest of town.”

*          *           *
Lots of people enjoyed riding a ferris wheel at the Pig Out, Georgia Smith said on the radio. They liked looking at downtown Aberdeen from above.

*          *           *

Ron is a fine grandfather, but he says he needs a break from “SpongeBob SquarePants.”

*          *           *
Everybody makes disparaging comments about my home state.
“My IQ dropped 30 points when I got to the North Dakota border,” said Dan Richardt.

*          *           *
Actress Bianca Kajlich, who is married to Los Angeles Galaxy soccer player Landon Donovan, plays Jennifer on the CBS series “Rules of Engagement.”

*          *           *

In the next few years, PC wants to grow its enrollment from 750 to 1,000 or 1,200.

*          *           *

This winter’s outdoor NHL game will take place at Fenway Park.

*          *           *
I have seen both episodes of “Warehouse 13,” and I just don’t like it.

*          *           *

First-year baseball players in rookie ball get $20 a day in meal money when they’re on the road. Their salary is $1,100 per month.

*          *           *
I wonder how many people call the White Sox rookie third baseman Gordon “Bend it Like” Beckham.

*          *           *

Biegler’s began in 1930 as a Nash-Rambler franchise, according to that little booklet called Aberdeen: The Hub of the Dakotas.

*          *           *
Three other facts from that booklet:
In 1909, George McGovern’s father was the minister of the UCC church in Houghton.
In 1956, Aberdeen had 11 car dealers.
Asa Sweetcorn of Sisseton played football with Jim Thorpe at the Carlisle Institute.

*          *           *

What kind of university president is named Jim Smith?

*          *           *
Why didn’t my relationship with Jennifer Aniston work out? We were just at different places in our lives.
Plus, we never met.

*          *           *
Kal Penn’s real name is Kalpen Modi.

*          *           *
The thing I love to do, more than anything else, is dance.

*          *           *
Sixty percent of all drivers drive the same mini-van I do. That’s just another reason I feel nondescript.

*          *           *
This is what the South Dakota Office of Tourism says about the historical plaques around the state:
“The South Dakota Office of Tourism is not responsible for the text included on these markers. Some of the language used at the time of production may not be appropriate by today’s standards. Please view the markers at your own discretion.”

*          *           *
In Fargo, there’s a music group called Amanda Standalone and the Pastry Shop Girls.

*          *           *
I agree with this bumper sticker: “Abortion is forever. Get the facts first.”

July 14th, 2009 by jeffbahr

Kessler’s now has one of those Redbox automated DVD rental machines. You can rent a DVD for $1.

*          *          *
Also at Kessler’s, you can get digital prints for 29 cents each.

*          *          *
Smash Mouth and Sugar Ray will be at the Hankinson casino July 24.

*          *          *
Jay Leno will be at the casino in Mahnomen, Minn. — only an hour from Fargo — on July 24.
David Cook will be at the same casino July 22.

*          *          *
9,000 people paid to get into the Pig Out over the weekend.
The crowd was biggest Friday night. Were they drawn by Candlebox?

*          *          *
I didn’t need to go to the Pig Out. I pig out every day.

*          *          *
Toni Gisi thinks that, with Brett Favre, the Vikings will win the Super Bowl.

*          *          *
Anne’s brother, who lives in Europe, says Germans are known for their thoroughness. “They like sorting things,” he says.
But he says the Germans are less productive than the French.

*          *          *
He tells me that every morning at 9:15 a.m., German workers take a break and eat tiger meat that’s peppered and served on a roll. For them, tiger meat is raw pork.

*          *          *
The No. 1 movie in Aberdeen last weekend was “Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs.”

*          *          *

“Bruno,” meanwhile, was No. 3. Some reviewers say “Bruno” should’ve been rated NC-17.

*          *          *
The paradox about Russ Keen is that he craves attention, yet he doesn’t like it when people make a fuss over his shirt.

*          *          *
After 13 years in South Dakota, I still don’t know what slack time is.

*          *          *

I am becoming more of a grouch every day. I am increasingly intolerant of loud motorcycles.

*          *          *
If you care, the Star Tribune says Brock Lesnar may next face Fedor Emelianenko.

*          *          *

If this blog means anything to you, you can wish me a happy birthday this week.

July 13th, 2009 by jeffbahr

All five Harry Potter films will be shown Tuesday at Carmike beginning at 9 a.m. Tickets, priced at $15, allow you to jump in at any point.

* * *

The new Potter film opens Tuesday night at midnight.

* * *

“Up” leaves town today.

* * *

The word is that the crowd was absolutely huge Friday night for the Pig Out.

* * *
Sitting at home nine blocks away, I could hear the lead singer for Candlebox dedicate a song to potheads. “Light ’em if you’ve got em,” he said.

* * *
I never was convinced that Morgan Lewis killed himself.

* * *

My prediction: The folks from CBS’ “48 Hours” will pull into town to do an episode on Morgan Lewis. (It’s got all of the elements the show looks for). That’ll get things riled up.

* * *
I heard the car races ended at 12:32 a.m. Sunday.

* * *

Why was Scott able to judge the Kansas City barbecue contest Saturday?
“My qualification is that I have a tongue.”

* * *

The contest was serious business. The judges actually had to take this oath:
“I do solemnly swear to objectively and subjectively evaluate each barbecue meat that is presented to my eyes, my nose, my hands and my palate. I accept my duty to be an Official KCBS Certified Judge, so that truth, justice, excellence in Barbecue and the American Way of Life may be strengthened and preserved forever.”

* * *
How’s Greg Guenin doing?
“On a scale of 1 to 10? I’m in there somewhere.”

* * *
I wonder how the people of Webster feel about one of their own being UFC’s bad boy.

* * *

I’m intolerant of those who are lactose-intolerant.

* * *

The TV Guide channel is now showing movies.

* * *
Just out on DVD: the third season of “Matlock” and the complete 10th season of “Murder, She Wrote.”
Finally.

* * *

A guy driving back from the Northern Fort Playhouse ruined his engine after he ran into a raccoon.

* * *

Ryan Deal says Erin Andrews wasn’t seriously injured when she was hit by a foul ball.
“I called her up. She’s fine.”

* * *

“Royal Pains” on USA is my new favorite show.
It is so good that no one will notice when “Monk” slips away.

* * *

Brad Wilson said a person is “uglier than a hatful of head cheese.” Why would you have a hatful of head cheese?

* * *
Dutch’s hasn’t closed. The food at D’s is identical to that served at the legendary Aberdeen establishment. It’s just in a different location.

* * *

Some people live most of their lives online.

* * *
If you want to get to know your neighbors, just have a rummage sale.

* * *

I finally noticed the cup at the new swimming pool that dumps water on those who stand beneath it.

* * *
John Rosemond will return to Aberdeen on Oct. 17.

* * *
Greg Guenin suggests wearing a hairpiece that is made of squirrel fur.
Do you think anyone would be fooled?

* * *

Sometimes, I’m forgotten before I’m even gone.

* * *
I found these words on a Wendy’s cup:
“If we sliced today’s tomatoes yesterday, they’d be yesterday’s tomatoes.”
That wisdom is almost Zen-like.

* * *

I love the giant tents I see at area celebrations. They always come from a company in Timber Lake.

* * *

All of a sudden, my wife grabbed her phone from her pants pocket.
“I felt like my leg was vibrating. I was just checking to make sure.”

* * *

The new Red Horse Inn sign in Groton looks pretty good.

* * *

My dream is that this blog will go viral, whatever that means.

* * *

I wonder if there’s an ordinance about ordnance in Aberdeen.

* * *

My favorite show on The N is “Degrassi.”

* * *

An usher at the Northern Fort Playhouse said she enjoyed the job “because I get to tell people where to go and they thank me for it.”

* * *

What this blog needs is a street team to promote it. Maybe that way it would go viral.

* * *

Mike Ferguson is aggravated when he orders a burger and fries at Wendy’s drive-through and doesn’t get a packet of ketchup with it.

* * *

I heard on the radio that no one reads the Yellow Pages anymore.
Once again, I’m out of step with the rest of the world.

* * *

Spotted in Aberdeen: a driving instructor busy talking on the phone while three students in the car needed his guidance.

* * *
From what I can tell, I don’t think the band Eclipse has a woman in it anymore.

* * *
I’ve heard that the Buffalo Hot Dogs at Frohling’s are very good.

* * *
On Sid Hartman’s radio show Sunday, former Yankee Bullet Bob Turley talked about playing for the Aberdeen Pheasants in 1949.

* * *
I know it’s not fair, but I’ve always assumed that people who talk slowly aren’t that intelligent. I recently met a couple of people who’ve shattered my misperceptions.

* * *
Personally, I always talk fast so people can’t figure out that what I’m saying is stupid.

* * *
I try to use the word genre and venue as little as possible.

* * *

Wives should go easy on their husbands on Saturdays.
I heard a woman tell her husband Saturday that “If you run out of stuff to do, I’ll give you more.”

* * *

Do you have a big old house that is made unsightly by pigeons?
A co-worker tells me that Ken’s sells a pellet gun that is silent but deadly.
You didn’t hear it from me.

* * *

After a deer runs into your car, you no longer think kindly of deer.
The same goes for pigeons who make your house look disgusting.

* * *
Complaints from PETA?
Bring ’em on.

* * *

The Big 10 Network is partly owned by Fox.

* * *

GM is shedding the Pontiac brand.

* * *

Mike Ferguson says you do the job for the love of it, not for the compliments.
Not me. I do it for the compliments.