March 9th, 2010 by jeffbahr

 “To Save a Life” has been extended for another week at the Capitol Cinema.

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  Tracy Russman is distraught about Joe Nathan’s injury.

 “Say it ain’t so, Joe!! My boyfriend is out for the season?!?!” she says in an e-mail.

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  If the reports are true, Twist Cone will be open Wednesday.

                                        *      *      *

 Brad Wilson says they have a photo of his haircut on the wall at Cost Cutters.

 It’s part of “the Ernest Borgnine collection,” he says.

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 Deb is one of the few people in town who prefers Golden Eagles Arena to the Civic Arena.

 She says it’s more comfortable.

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   Michelle showed up at Max & Erma’s last Saturday at 5 p.m. They told her it would be a 45- to 60-minute wait to be seated.

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 Animal activist Ric O’Barry says a dolphin committed suicide in his arms.

 What, did the mammal put a gun to its head?

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  David Letterman married Regina Lasko last year. They began dating in 1986.

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   Robert De Niro is going to play my idol, Vince Lombardi.

  Are they going to have Harvey Keitel and Harry Dean Stanton play Jerry Kramer and Fuzzy Thurston?

                                          *      *      *

 Brad Wilson says Maverick’s is the best and he doesn’t have time for The Flame.

 Shawn Van Cleave and I feel the opposite.

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 Dennis McDermott graduated from high school in ’66.

 “And that’s 1966, not 1866.”

                                         *      *      *

 While they were in town last week, a couple of the Quebec musicians threw it down with Stacy Braun at her pottery class.

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 Somehow I see a pattern with these shows:  “Gilmore Girls,” “Golden Girls,” “Gossip Girl.”

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 For her birthday, I’m going to buy my daughter some Brian Atwood Kendall pumps. 

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 My favorite football name is currently O’Brien Schofield.

                                          *      *      *

 Michelle is worried about getting water in her basement.

 “Be proactive, Put it down there yourself,” Joe says.

March 8th, 2010 by jeffbahr

 Two generations of women — those who love Robert Pattinson and those who love Pierce Brosnan — will flock to “Remember Me” this weekend.

 Also opening Friday at Carmike are “Green Zone” and “She’s Out of My League.”

                                                     *      *       *

   Leaving town Thursday night are “Dear John” and “Tooth Fairy.”

                                                     *      *       *

 Michelle says Carmike has an exciting new popcorn innovation: Pay $15 and you get a popcorn bucket.  The cost of refilling it is $2.50 each time for the rest of the year. 

                                                      *      *       *

 There’s nothing more predictable than the Academy Awards. I could’ve told you a month ago that “The Hurt Locker” would win the last two awards, and that Sandra Bullock would get her statue.

                                                    *      *       *

 OK, so the Cougar girls aren’t the Iowa state hockey champions. But what about the South Dakota championships?

                                                    *      *       *

 Would a cat come get help if Timmy fell in the well?

 “They don’t really care about Timmy unless he’s got their food,” says Michelle.

                                                     *      *       *

  I try to get better every day.

 “It really shows,” Ryan Deal said.

                                                    *      *       *

 When you pay $3.99 for a dinner at Ken’s, you get a ton of food for the price. But I have to say the goulash looks better than it tastes.

                                                    *      *       *

 Living near the Silver Dollar, Mike Ferguson is surrounded by excitement each night. But while the hoopla explodes around him, “I’m upstairs watching ‘Cheers’ on Hallmark,” he says.

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 On vacation, Kim and Dennis Dosch got to ride camels. “Dennis got the meanest one,” she says.

                                                    *      *       *

 Returning from Mexico, Kim is exhausted after a “heavy week of drinking and relaxing,” she said. “Do you know how hard it is to party with the young people?”

                                                   *      *       *

 “If you’re a guy and your middle name is Lavender, you have to grow up tough,” says Shawn.

                                                    *      *       *

 Ryan Deal didn’t have much luck with a phone interview. Chatting with his interview subject was “like talking to a post.”

                                                    *      *       *

 Ron said an old sportswriter, Jim Young, was a fan of all things Philadelphia — the Eagles, Phillies, Flyers, Sixers. “I bet you he was for the Philharmonica Orchestra, too.”

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 A guy told me that Franklin D. Roosevelt campaigned in Eureka in 1932.

                                                    *      *       *

 He also said FDR’s wife was the ugliest First Lady in American history. How could she have been worse than Hillary Clinton?

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  As a youngster, my goal was to become a charismatic guitar demon.

                                                     *      *       *

 Klein’s doesn’t have very many Christian books anymore.

                                                    *      *       *

 The Fight Night scheduled for Saturday at Odde Ice Arena has been canceled because of a death in the promoter’s family.

                                                    *      *       *

  The new grilled cheese burger at Hardee’s is good, but it doesn’t have much of a grilled cheese flavor. 

                                                    *      *       *

  Dennis McDermott says all students are different. Some of them are eager to learn. Others are “so mellow you’re not sure they’re awake sometimes.”

                                                     *      *       *

 I saw my first-ever episode of “Curb Your Enthusiasm.” The TV Guide channel is showing the cleaned-up version. It was hilarious.

                                                    *      *       *

 I’ve heard of a coffee klatch, but what the heck is a coffee clutch?

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 If Samantha Harris is gone, I have absolutely no reason to watch “Dancing With the Stars.”

                                                     *      *       *

 OK. The Mark Remilys of the world have worn me down. I’ve decided that kar-oh-key is the right way to pronounce karaoke, not kar-ay-oh-key.

                                                    *      *       *

 “I find it very funny that Mondell is making fun of my sneeze,” says Emily.

  “You can blow this building over and I barely shake it,” she told him.

                                                    *      *       *

  I lie awake at night worrying about wheat midge.

                                                    *      *       *

  During its’ 11-day “Championship Week,” ESPN will show 177 men’s and women’s basketball games.

                                                    *      *       *

I never saw this coming: On Saturday night, Kiri Te Kanawa will perform with the Sioux City Symphony Orchestra.

                                                     *      *       *

 I am completely intolerant of gluten intolerance.

March 5th, 2010 by jeffbahr

Happy birthday to Bryan Bahr, who turns 24 on Saturday!

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On the radio Wednesday, Don Meyer said he always thought he’d coach until he was 70 — until his medical problems popped up.

 He also said he’d always hoped to get 1,000 wins. People would be more apt to listen to a small-college coach with 1,000 wins, he thought.

                                                                 *      *      *

 Also on KSDN, Curt Fredrickson said if his team had stayed healthy all season, they might well have been playing Wednesday night at home.

                                                             *      *      *

  When was the last time both Northern basketball teams were done playing March 3?

                                                             *      *      *

 Meyer said he doesn’t want to go see the Central boys because it would be tough to watch Jared Hannigan play, knowing he’s not going to be able to coach him at Northern.

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 After retiring, though, Meyer said he is “a lot smarter now because I don’t have a team to coach to back it up.”

                                                             *      *      *

 Laura Ptacek thanks Bonn’s Eats and Treats “for bringing back the Reese’s Pieces option for their Explosions (formerly known as Blizzards).”

 Yogurt lovers can buy an Explogurt, which is the frozen yogurt version of the Explosion.  

 Laura, one of Ipswich’s leading citizens, says the Frito Pie “sounds great, too – Fritos corn chips, topped with chili, cheese and sour cream.  (I’m thinking it’s in a bag, maybe like a walking taco?)  Genius. And cheap, too. My whole family (of three) ate supper for $17 – including dessert!”

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What kind of willpower does Heather have? We had ice cream cake at work Thursday, and she didn’t have a piece.

                                                             *      *      *

  When Mike Ferguson and his companion showed up at Max and Erma’s at 11:55, they told him it would be a 45-minute wait. But Mike cleverly suggested they eat in the bar. They were done eating in 40 minutes.

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  Mike, who is secretive about his personal life, admits only that his dining companion was a “shapely brunette.”

  I guess that means it wasn’t a guy.

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  Dave Vilhauer will go to Max and Erma’s “when the time is right.”

 He doesn’t want to have to be running late for a basketball game after finishing his tortilla soup.

                                                           *      *      *

 I have never, ever eaten a toasted bagel.

                                                           *      *      *

  I hear that on “The Bachelor,” Vienna’s slogan was “I didn’t come here to make friends.”

                                                           *      *      *

  I’m hearing that my son’s fiancee is forcing him to watch too much “American Idol.”

                                                            *      *      *

  Mike Ferguson remembers the 1970s.

 “No, it’s the late ’80s to late ’90s that I struggle with.”

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  After Greg Guenin got a “normal” reading on our health screening, Amy Seaboy said they better run him through again. Something wasn’t right.

                                                           *      *      *

  My son is going to Costa Rica. I don’t know if it’s a vacation or a covert operation.

                                                            *      *      *

  I would rather plunge into a freakish parallel universe than stay at a bed and breakfast.

                                                           *      *      *

  When he was in high school, Shawn Van Cleave and friends drove from Aberdeen to Sioux Falls in an hour and 45 minutes.

 Driving  a 1976 Firebird, they took the back-door route of Highway 212 to Watertown.

                                                           *      *      *

  Another time, Shawn and his pals drove from Redfield to Cresbard in 17 minutes.  “That’s 40 miles,” he says. “I would never do that now, though.”

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   To me, Redfield High School is the way high schools are meant to look. A woman in Redfield says people don’t even suggest building a new one.

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   There are two ways to order burgers at Applebee’s. Either the meat is pink or it’s not.

                                                           *      *      *

  Mark Zoellner says Aberdeen is “dead” in February. All there is to do, he says, is contemplate.

                                                           *      *      *

  Bryan Bahr says an Aberdeen winter lasts as long as a “Lord of the Rings” movie.

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  Robins have been spotted north of Mobridge. I bet I won’t see one for at least a week.

                                                           *      *      *

  Shawn and I wonder what Cotton-Eyed Joe’s eyes look like.

 What are cotton eyes?

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   If they’re selling Bon Jovi tickets for $18 at the Fargodome, something tells me they’re not selling enough tickets.

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   Insiders say the group Bomshell could be coming to Ipswich this summer.

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  The TV schedule returns to the American News on Monday. That’ll be good.

                                                            *      *      *

  My co-workers continue to mourn the loss of the Olympics.

 Scott says the Olympics helped him make the difficult transition from football to March Madness.

                                                            *      *      *

  “Dancing With the Stars” returns March 22. Didn’t the last season just end?

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 The Miss America Pageant is without a home again. Maybe C-SPAN would be interested.

                                                            *      *      *

 The arrival of the “Alice in Wonderland” film reminds me of the great Elton John song, “Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters.”

                                                            *      *      *

 Mondell says he likes being “single and carefree.”

 Mike says being single, Mondell misses out on all the drama.

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 An old-timer said Babe Ruth was “a whale with the willow.” That’s how they talked back then.

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  Greg Guenin says Heinz 57 enhances the flavor of liver and onions.

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 My daughter is plucky but occasionally impudent.

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  Angela Steinbach and her husband went on a cruise. Her favorite part was Key West.

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 Why would anyone watch a 20-year-old bowling tournament on ESPN Classic? And what exactly makes it classic?

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 A hockey mother tells me it’s no surprise the hockey tournament was moved away from the arena at the Sioux Falls fairground. She says that arena is infested with mice. A dead body was found nearby recently.

                                                            *      *      *

 Hardee’ s serves Channel Islands coffee. I wonder if the Channel Islands are even known for coffee, or if they just like the name.

March 2nd, 2010 by jeffbahr

 “Alice in Wonderland” opens Friday at Carmike, in both 2-D and 3-D form. The difference in price is $2.50.

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 Leaving town are the “Wolfman” and “Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief.” To me, both those movies look like big flops.

                                                     *       *       *

 “Shutter Island” was No. 1 at the Aberdeen box office last weekend.

 Chris at Carmike says people are liking “Shutter Island,” and not liking “Cop Out.”

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 “To Save a Life” has been held over for another week at the Capitol Cinema.

                                                     *       *       *

 Michelle says Naomi Campbell keeps whacking people because she’s always hungry.

 “She just needs a few cheeseburgers and some fries,” Michelle says.

                                                     *       *       *

 What did Mike Ferguson think of Max & Erma’s?

 “I absolutely loved it,” he said. He ordered a tortilla burger. The meal began with a free sample of tortilla soup.

                                                     *       *       *

  The all-you-can-eat sundae buffet also sounds very appealing.

                                                     *       *       *

 My goal is to become a concierge at Super 8.

                                                     *       *       *

  Until today, we didn’t even know what the “R” word is.

 “I thought it was Republican,” Mondell said.

                                                     *       *       *

 Shawn heard that stewardesses is the longest word you can type with your left hand and lollipop is the longest word you can type right-handed.

                                                     *       *       *

 That got him to thinking. He figured out that if you don’t capitalize it, you can type Webster Bearcats with your left hand.

                                                     *       *       *

 Peggy Scott says there’s nothing better than a Miracle Whip, liverwurst and onion sandwich.

                                                     *       *       *

 In international sports competition, Canadians always have better-looking uniforms than the Americans. It’s not even close.

                                                     *       *       *

 A guy says cleaning out a chicken coop is worse than cleaning out a horse barn.

 A pig sty is also pretty high on the list, says Greg Guenin.

                                                     *       *       *

 I told Dave that everybody’s talking about Friday’s Summit-Ipswich game.

 He concluded that I must be spending a lot of time at Buffalo Station.

                                                      *       *       *

 Hasheem Thabeet, the 7-foot-2 player from Connecticut, is playing for the Dakota Wizards in Bismarck. That’s worth a trip to go see him play against the Skyforce.

                                                      *       *       *

  Debra Winger was a guest on “Law & Order” Monday night? She used to be a perennial Oscar contender.

                                                     *       *       *

 “I’d rather watch cars rust and grass grow before I’d watch figure skating and ice dancing,” says Greg Guenin.

                                                    *       *       *

 A local church buys its pancake mix from Perkins. They say the customers are always pleased with their pancakes.

                                                     *       *       *

  The publisher took his wife to a Cracker Barrel and breakfast at McDonald’s.

 “I know how to show a girl a good time,” he says.

                                                    *       *       *

 At places like McDonald’s, they ask at the first window if you want a receipt. They ask that question too early.

 It’s the next window that you need to check a receipt to see if you were charged for the item that’s not in your bag.

                                                     *       *       *

 You can now pay a visit to Bean Boulevard in Aberdeen. That’s what it says on the coffee cups at the South C convenience store. 

                                                     *       *       *

 My wife says I hear her say things she doesn’t actually say.

                                                      *       *       *

 It has now been nine months since I’ve spent a penny at M&H.

 A baby could have been born during that time. I think he should be called Michael Harry.

                                                     *       *       *

 What does Greg Guenin think about the smell of liver and onions?

 “I don’t care for it, but I guess it’s better than lutefisk.”

                                                     *       *       *

 A New York native told me something was “horrid,” but it sounded like she was saying “hard.”

 Maybe those Boston people are trying to say wicked horrid.

                                                     *       *       *

 In “Once Upon a Mattress,” a character sings “a delicate princess is exceedingly rare.”

                                                      *       *       *

 Before last Saturday night’s game, the Southwest coach said Mikayla Barondeau is long and athletic, and he said they didn’t want her to erupt with another 20-20 game. After you have a night with 20 points and 20 rebounds, opposing coaches never forget you.

                                                     *       *       *

  Kevin Rau says a beard does not make someone automatically suspicious.

                                                       *       *       *

 Michelle watches “Supernatural” because the two guys on the show are attractive.

 “And I like their car, too.”

                                                     *       *       *

 Of course El Al, the national airline of Israel, has been voted to have the best airline security.

 What else is Israel known for beside good security? The flight attendants are probably armed.

                                                     *       *       *

 A press release also says El Al is known for “warm Israeli hospitality.” 

 The “best trained Israeli pilots will take you to and from Israel and passengers enjoy enhanced in-flight dining with freshly prepared healthy meals.”

                                                      *       *       *

  Carla is upset that “The Bachelor” chose Vienna Giraldi rather than Tenley Molzahn.

                                                     *       *       *

 The “Bachelor” finale was filmed last fall in St. Lucia. Why get so excited about something that happened six months ago?

February 28th, 2010 by jeffbahr

 Saturday night, I went to a game at the Barnett Center for the first time in five or six years. There’s a lot more signage than there used to be. In addition to a video board, they run the lyrics to the Northern fight song.

                                                     *      *      *

 I think March will come in like a lamb, and go out like a lion.

                                                  *      *      *

 Ryan Deal’s interpretation of a basketball official signaling a blocking foul could appear on “Soul Train.”

 I could see this dance move sweeping the country.

                                                  *      *      *

 After a knee operation, bowler Cliff Kuckelburg can tell when a storm is coming.

                                                  *      *      *

 Mitch Boeck said on the radio Saturday that he’s treated well by Northern fans when he goes to the Millstone.

                                                  *      *      *

  Michelle couldn’t get her computer to work.

 “Did you try the on button?” asked smart aleck Ryan Deal.

                                                  *      *      *

 After the women’s game Saturday night, Curt Fredrickson noted that Southwest player Tori Fink has been one of the Mustangs’ best players all season but played only two minutes in the first half.

 “I couldn’t quite understand that, but I was happy to see her on the bench,” he said.

                                                  *      *      *

 The Northern women play at Augustana Wednesday night. “They’ve embarrassed us twice (this year) and I can’t believe they’re that much better than we are,” Fredrickson said.

                                                  *      *      *

  On the radio, Don Meyer said Derek Hoellein shoots the 3, but rarely shoots from 2-point range. He said he’;s got to become a more complete player over the spring and summer.

                                                   *      *      *

 Ironically, the University of North Dakota couldn’t play New Jersey Tech because of snow in New Jersey.

                                                  *      *      *

 Jake McCluskey likes NASCAR because he spent time in the South. In the South, he says, that’s what people do. They drink beer and watch NASCAR.

                                                  *      *      *

 The only beer Jake drinks, though, is Guinness. I doubt if that’s very popular at Talladega.

                                                  *      *      *

  Mike Ferguson has questions about the killer whale.

 “Why would they hire a whale with a suspicious past? Don’t they do background checks?”

                                                  *      *      *

 Why do the young kids say “snap”?

                                                  *      *      *

 Ron misses the loaded fries at RG’s.

                                                  *      *      *

 You will never, ever catch Mike Ferguson wearing Sansabelt pants.

                                                  *      *      *

 Ryan Deal is a sensitive guy with good self-esteem.

 “I don’t need to take shots at my co-workers to feel good about myself,” he sniffs.

                                                   *      *      *

 I saw a bumper sticker that said, “My kid defends freedom for your honor student.”

                                                 *      *      *

 Sometimes, especially on big holidays, the gravy is the best part of the meal.

                                                  *      *      *

 A co-worker says the best way to lose 200 pounds is to get divorced. I guess that works both ways.

                                                  *      *      *

 Next week, I plan to reinterpret myself.

                                                  *      *      *

 I was shocked to find that cheer and dance are separate sports. I thought they were joined at the hip.

                                                  *      *      *

 An Aberdeen woman bowed out of attending a state convention with her husband. She didn’t want to spend a weekend in Huron.

 I’ve noticed that, for fun, Aberdeen people make fun of Huron. I wonder if Huron people return the favor.

                                                  *      *      *

 A person named Salome Bugianishvili requested to add me as a LinkedIn connection.

 I don’t know anyone named Salome Bugianishvili.

                                                  *      *      *

 The sign at the Wolf Stop says “Thank you,  Coach Meyer.”

                                                   *      *      *

  Carrie Underwood is a former Miss NSU. But it wasn’t Northern.

 It was Northeastern State University in Oklahoma.

                                                  *      *      *

 I call it the Village Bowl.

 Longtime Aberdonians simply say “The Village.”

                                                   *      *      *

Seal, the singer, is 47 years old.

Heidi Klum, his wife, turns 37 in June.

February 27th, 2010 by jeffbahr

 

 The Dakota Crossing strip mall in the old KFC location has its first tenant — Four Aces Casino. 

 Does the town really need another casino?

                                                                     *       *      *

 John Schwan commissioned the marble bust of Don Meyer that was fashioned by Ben Victor.

                                                                      *       *      *

  People in my building have gone berserk over curling. Scott Waltman says the sport is “mesmerizing.”

                                                                      *       *      *

 Jimmy Kimmel, though, says curling isn’t a sport. It’s housework.

                                                                      *       *      *

  On the radio Wednesday, assistant coach Matt Hammer said he and Dan Magrino were in Don Meyer’s office when Meyer closed the door. Hammer thought Meyer was “going to start ripping on Fred, or ripping on somebody” good-naturedly. But instead, he told them he was retiring.

                                                                      *       *      *

 Hammer also said Dan Magrino is responsible for recruiting.

                                                                      *       *      *

 Women’s assistant coach Brent Pollari said in the old days, if you requested video from an opponent, you’d get the last game or two.

 Now you’ll get every game they’ve played this season. So Curt Fredrickson spends a lot of time watching video.

                                                                      *       *      *

  The Northern coaches said when the Northern men play in Moorhead, there are usually more fans cheering on the Wolves than the Dragons.

  The Moorhead women are a little more popular, they said.

                                                                      *       *      *

 The Northern web site lists eight men’s basketball coaches for the Wolves. That’s because they list Brad Christenson twice.

                                                                     *       *      *

 How boring am I?

 I think The Flame is a happening place – the place to be seen in Aberdeen.

 To me, The Flame defines excitement.

                                                                      *       *      *

 I would never try a Cilantro Lime Big Fish from Burger King. Blechh.

                                                                      *       *      *

 Deb says if I want to get a couple days off, I can make fun of her wardrobe. Then I’ll be suspended. But I have to say she’s younger than she is.

                                                                      *       *      *

  Muriel Mattson, who works in the big Midstates Printing building, is able to watch her old friends at Quality Quick Print through a monitor on her computer. She is able to move a camera around and look all around the Sixth Avenue store.

                                                                      *       *      *

 My son says the Packers should trade Aaron Kampman, try to get LaDainian Tomlinson or Reggie Bush and look into getting Darren Sharper back. “And slow down the nuclear arms race, stop terrorism and world hunger.”

                                                                     *       *      *

 I was in a room at the nursing building at PC that looks like a big hospital room. For a few minutes, I thought the bodies in the bed were real. But they were dummies.

                                                                      *       *      *

 Brad Wilson says when he has a burger at a sit-down restaurant, he likes to have his ice cream dessert first – while he’s waiting for his entrée.

                                                                      *       *      *

 I don’t understand all the excitement about Max and Erma’s. It’s just a restaurant. It really can’t be that different from all the other places in town.

 Ray, one of Aberdeen’s best barbers, says he’ll wait “for the newness to wear off” before he gives it a try.

                                                                      *       *      *

 A co-worker tried the cookie dough Explosion at Bonn’s Eats and Treats, and he was disappointed.

                                                                     *       *      * 

    At a PC orientation that was both a bonfire and a dance, a young man told Heather Rau that he likes to dance.

 Heather said “Good for you,” and walked away.

 That couple is now engaged.

                                                                      *       *      *

 Dan Richardt walked by my desk singing the theme song to “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.”

 I heard the words “turtle power” and “heroes in a half shell.”

                                                                      *       *      *

 This is how I fell out of bed: In one of my nightmares, I was engaged in fierce combat with an evil dog.

                                                                      *       *      *

 The FEMA meeting Thursday night sent people looking for the Alumni Room in the old Central. People could lose track of their bearings in the old Central and never be heard from again.

 It’s like the catacombs of the Paris Opera House.

                                                                      *       *      *

 The sign at Wendy’s says, “Enjoy our new bacon and blue hamburger.”

 I don’t want to try a blue hamburger. Are they referring to bleu cheese?

                                                                      *       *      *

 This has nothing to do with Sarah Palin: No TV show should make fun of a kid with Down Syndrome. There’s nothing funny about it.

 Let’s let those TV writers take care of the kid for a couple of weeks.

                                                                      *       *      *

 For my money, no meeting is more enjoyable than the Potter County Weed and Pest Board.

                                                                      *       *      *

 Very soon, you’ll be able to buy a pheasant sandwich – just like the soldiers ate in World War II – at the Ward Hotel. 

                                                                     *       *      *

 My wife’s idea of a good time is going to an autopsy. 

                                                                     *       *      *

 Beautiful and historic Lourdes Hall is currently empty.

                                                                      *       *      *

 My co-workers say the killer whale is currently serving a spell in solitary confinement. Or, as Heather says, he is in time out.

                                                                      *       *      *

 I was shocked to find out that pudgy old Ron Gardenhire is younger than I am.

                                                                      *       *      *

 Red Green is coming to Sioux Falls Aug. 1.

                                                                      *       *      *

 I never really liked the “Lethal Weapon” movies.

                                                                      *       *      *

 Alec Baldwin is a lunatic liberal, yet he’s very convincing as a conservative on “30 Rock.” 

                                                                      *       *      *

 We will miss the Dome Dog. But I will be investigating other hot dog products made by Hormel.

                                                                      *       *      *

 Mike Ferguson says people with thick wallets have to sit downhill. He says those wallets contain punch cards for a Topeka car wash, expired library cards and other items that will never be used.

                                                                      *       *      *

 Speaking of thick wallets, Jason Alexander is now a celebrity weight loss spokesman. Since I’m a dead ringer for George Costanza, I suppose now I’m going to have to start losing weight.

                                                                      *       *      *

 The former location of Sherwin Williams is now the home of Loren’s Archery.

                                                                      *       *      *

 I’m a little bit sad. I missed the rescheduled heifer development workshops in Ipswich and Mound City.

 Without that knowledge, how will I make sound decisions about replacement heifers?

                                                                      *       *      *

  Mondell says there is “nothing like a good sneeze.” 

                                                                      *       *      *

 Simon and Garfunkel will play the Fargodome May 7. I might be homeward bound that day. I’ll take my mom and we’ll have a mother and child reunion. I’ll go even if there’s a flood. I’ll take a bridge over troubled water.

                                                                     *       *      *

  Loek Van Mil, a 7-foot-1 pitcher for the Twins, rides a bicycle nearly five miles each way to and from the spring training ballpark.

 ”I don’t have a license to drive a car. “And I don’t care for cars. If I ever get a car, it will be a rundown one,” the 25-year-old from Holland told St. Paul sportswriter Charley Walters.

                                                                     *       *      *

 Grilled Cheese Bacon Burgers have been so successful at Carl’s Jr. that they’ve come to its sister chain, Hardee’s.

 According to a press release, the sandwiches “feature all of the taste and comfort of those youthful grilled cheese sandwiches, but with the addition of a delicious charbroiled burger and bacon.”

                                                                     *       *      *

 The British have interesting names for plantlife. What they call gorse is probably what we refer to as crabgrass.

                                                                     *       *      *

 Mike Ferguson has lost 10 pounds in two months.

“So I had a Big Mac for lunch today.”

                                                                      *       *      *

 In Aberdeen, barber shops and casinos are quieter at the end of the month and busier at the start of the month. People have more dough when their Social Security checks arrive.

                                                                     *       *      *

 Mike Ferguson says he’s happy with his wardrobe, but he will “continue to accessorize things.”

February 23rd, 2010 by jeffbahr

 Saturday night at the Barnett Center could turn into George Bush all over again.

 Northern, obviously expecting a big crowd for Don Meyer’s farewell, will open the doors at 4 p.m. and has added $1 to the ticket price.

                                                     *        *        *

 The evening will include the unveiling of a marble bust of Meyer by Ben Victor.

 “He must’ve got pretty busy since Monday,” a sportswriter said of Victor.

                                                  *        *        *

 The NSU Bookstore will open its doors from 2 to 4 p.m.

 Saturday almost sounds like Gypsy Day.

                                                  *        *        *

 You can probably get a preview of Meyer’s farewell speech Thursday night, when he speaks at Avera’s “Lessons for the Heart” program.

                                                    *        *        *

 The Killer Chihuahuas are the top bowling team in Groton’s Prairie Mixed League.

                                                  *        *        *

  Pastor Deb Grismer says anyone who‘s anybody comes from Leola.

                                                  *        *        *

 Mike Ferguson says “If you don’t know anything, you can’t be subpoenaed.”

                                                  *        *        *

 With Charlie Sheen off on rehab, I think CBS should bring in Dave Coulier to replace him temporarily on “Two and a Half Men.”

 Just call him an uncle or something. They could change the name of the show to “Three and a Half Men.”

                                                      *        *        *

 Someday I hope to meet Fiona Ritchie, host of “Thistle and Shamrock.”

                                                   *        *        *

 My father says light beer is made with rice.

                                                  *        *        *

 How’s life with a new puppy coming for Mike Ferguson?

 “I’m down one pair of shoes so far.”

                                                  *        *        *

 “Patience is not my middle name,” says Mike Ferguson.

 I knew that. It’s Thomas.

                                                  *        *        *

 Instead of being disingenuous, today I was just plain ingenuous.

                                                  *        *        *

 Ryan Deal thought Tony Kornheiser is my idol.

 “Don’t you kind of pattern your look after him?” he said.

                                                  *        *        *

 A family decided not to run a full obit, which costs money, in the paper.

 “We love Grandpa but we don’t love him that much,” said a newsroom wiseacre.

                                                  *        *        *

  If you’re listing odd names for towns, you’ve got to put Pukwana near the top.

                                                  *        *        *

 Alicia Silverstone has written a book about “The Kind Diet.”

                                                  *        *        *

  Kelda doesn’t approve of Totino’s pizza.

 “Do you know how much transfat is in that?” she says.

                                                  *        *        *

 An obituary says that a guy’s hobby was trapping turtles.

                                                  *        *        *

  Kelda says you can buy freeze-dried mealworms at a pet shop.

                                                  *        *        *

  How hip am I? 

  I walk around saying “Don’t taze me, Bro.”

                                                  *        *        *

 I’m going home now.

 Consider me gone.

February 22nd, 2010 by jeffbahr

 “Cop Out” and “The Crazies” open Friday night at Carmike.

  Noted airline traveler Kevin Smith directed “Cop Out.”

                                                 *      *      *

 “The Crazies” is set in a small Iowa town “where residents turn into snarling lunatics after the local water supply is contaminated.”

 They should have had WEB water.

                                                *      *      *

 “From Paris With Love” leaves town Thursday night.

                                                *      *      *

 “To Save a Life” opens Friday at Capitol Cinema.

                                                *      *      *

 The smart money is on Paul Sather to replace Don Meyer.

                                                 *      *      *

  Joe Johnson is a real man.

 “I spent my weekend drywalling.”

                                                *      *      *

After a pickup crashed into Max and Erma’s, Dewey said, “I didn’t know it was a drive-in.”  

                                                *      *      *

 Carla’s favorite drink is a Malibu (coconut-flavored rum) with Diet Coke.

 “Can’t beat it, Jeff,” she said.

                                                *      *      *

  I wear a worried look wherever I go.

                                                *      *      *

  The spinach and artichoke dip at Applebee’s is very good. I try artichoke once every century.

                                                *      *      *

 Kim and Dennis Dosch get along great. “As long as she doesn’t say anything, we’re good,” he says.

                                                *      *      *

 Michelle alleges that Noah’s Critters discriminates against felines.

                                                *      *      *

 Ryan Deal, who claims to be a basketball expert, couldn’t diagram a matchup zone if his life depended on it.

                                                *      *      *

 KELO is Dan Richardt’s favorite newscast. He’s the only person I know who watches KELO news.

                                                *      *      *

 Scott Waltman was shocked to hear that I was rooting for the Canadian hockey team Sunday night, and that I prefer Canada to the U.S.

 “It’s the health care, isn’t it?” he said.

                                                *      *      *

 Hardware Hank in Webster sells live crickets and mealworms.

                                               *      *      *

 Mondell hopes the opening of Max and Erma’s will “take some of the pressure off Pizza Ranch.”

                                                 *      *      *

 If not for religion, there wouldn’t be a lot of reasons for married couples to stay together.

 Who wants a world in which all children have one parent?

                                                *      *      *

  Patrice Bergeron and Jocelyn Thibault sound like talented jazz songstresses.

  They are actually men who play hockey.

                                                *      *      *

  Michelle wishes we had a Petco in Aberdeen. “Then we could get my cats’ picture taken with Santa Claus. They would like that, I’m sure.”

February 21st, 2010 by jeffbahr

 Dawn Crawley, who was KSFY’s Aberdeen correspondent for three and a half years, has left Aberdeen for a new job.

 She now covers Coeur d’Alene, Idaho, for a Spokane TV station.

                                                   *       *        *

 At the North Dakota State Wrestling tournament, there was a corporate logo in the middle of the wrestling mat. 

                                                   *       *        *

 The American Barnstormers Tour will come to the Aberdeen airport June 24-26.

                                                   *       *        *

 When she went to camp as a youngster, Heather and her friends stuffed their faces with marshmallows for a game called Chubby Bunny.

                                                   *       *        *

  I heard that Colombians put canned pineapple and potato chips on their hot dogs.

                                                    *       *        *

 Max and Erma’s already has a billboard up on the east edge of town. It refers to Max and Erma’s as “a better place to eat.”

                                                    *       *        *

 The University of San Diego basketball arena is the Jenny Craig Pavilion, which is nicknamed the slim gym.

                                                   *       *        *

  For the first time in about 18 years, I fell out of bed. I sat patiently on the floor, waiting for my wife to say “What happened?” or “Are you OK?”

  But, even though the noise must have been deafening, she just kept on sleeping. After a while, I just dusted myself off and went back to bed.

                                                    *       *        *

  An obituary said the deceased was survived by a special cat.

 “I didn’t think there was such a thing,” said a newsroom wag.

                                                   *       *        *

 Dan Richardt says a pet raccoon isn’t crazy. It’s the person who owns the raccoon who’s crazy.

                                                   *       *        *

  I might spray water on a chicken just to see how mad a wet hen gets.

                                                   *       *        *

 The Sioux Falls baseball team will have a long attachment to its new nickname.

 I think they’ll be the Pheasants forever.

                                                   *       *        *

 Gary Weckwerth, the new owner of the Sioux Falls baseball team, is really the cat who ate the Canary.

                                                   *       *        *

 My favorite NBA player, Nate Robinson, has been traded to the Celtics.

 I think it’s just because he looks good in a green uniform.

                                                   *       *        *

 When some people say “wash,” it sounds like worsh.

                                                   *       *        *                                  

 My favorite word is “Skebowski,” which a singer on “American Idol” called himself. Jimmy Kimmel keeps running clips of the guy.

                                                   *       *        *

 People who are pretentious love to talk about Greek drama.

                                                   *       *        *

 Just for fun, sometimes I like to be truculent.

                                                   *       *        *

 At most meetings, the first order of business should be to adjourn.

                                                   *       *        *

 All the residents of Salem, a soap opera community, lead lives of quiet desperation.

                                                   *       *        *

The Mansfield bar is this area’s version of the Algonquin round table.

 

February 18th, 2010 by jeffbahr

   Kusler’s Sinclair now looks like a gas station in Beirut.

                                  *      *      *

  Insiders say the new canopy will cost $70,000. They also say they’ll be selling gas again in two days.

                                  *      *      *

  When Dave walked in the door, Anne said, “Oh, your coat matches your eyes.”

 “Thanks, I planned it that way,” Dave said.

                                  *      *      *

 Brad Wilson said his three blood pressure medications combine to make him see purple elephants at night.

                                  *      *      *

 Max and Erma’s will have its grand opening Feb. 23.

                                  *      *      *

  Ron’s wife says that unlike my wife, she didn’t go on a cruise to get away from her husband.

                                  *      *      *

  I’m thinking of giving up on Jimmy Kimmel because I’m getting tired of Guillermo.

  Kimmel is the only one who thinks he’s funny and adorable.

                                    *      *      *

 At a Faulkton School Board meeting, the superintendent talked about how many days of school have been missed this year — six full and parts of three others. The meeting itself was delayed by bad weather.

                                  *      *      *

 Why does Brad Wilson smell so good? Did he put on some of Mike Ferguson’s hand sanitizer?

 “No, we just rubbed together,” Brad said.

                                  *      *      *

 Like Thurston Howell, I always hoped my kids would associate with “the right sort of people.” Unfortunately, my daughter is keeping company with a young man who spells his name Erikk.

 What’s that all about?

                                  *      *      *

   Ron’s wife says I should turn against the Packers and “go with a winner” — the Minnesota Vikings. What have they ever won?

                                  *      *      *

  Northern holds its alumni basketball games on a Saturday because so many former players are now coaches. The high school teams tend to play on Friday nights.

 An employee of the NSU Foundation said the former players often gather at Lager’s after their games.

                                   *      *      *

 Ron and his wife hardly ever argue. “We agree on a lot of things, because I cave.”

                                   *      *      *

 I know why Brad Wilson likes having Ryan Deal hang around. Ryan is the Ed McMahon to his Johnny Carson.

                                  *      *      *

 Mondell, seeing a photo of a guy wearing strange sunglasses, said it looked like he was watching “Avatar.”

                                   *      *      *

 I think I’m the only human not watching Olympic curling.

                                   *      *      *

 Mark Zoellner says Roy Orbison is “deader than a beaver hat.”  What makes a beaver hat deader than others?

                                  *      *      *

 If AmericInn merged with Cinnabon, it would  be called AmericacInnabon.

                                  *      *      *

 Action news reporter Dan Richardt says we’re getting a new pet store called the Pet Place.

                                  *      *      *

 Longtime Aberdonians are angry that the Sioux Falls baseball team has appropriated the name Pheasant.

 They shouldn’t get so upset. Other places, such as Redfield High School, have used the Pheasant nickname.

                                  *      *      *

  It’s obvious, looking at the baseball team’s web site, that old Canaries merchandise is very much available.

                                    *      *      *

 The baseball team is also trumpeting an agreement with Ovations Food Services for food and beverages at the stadium.

 “We talked to a number of companies in the industry and Ovations shared the vision of what we were looking for at the stadium, said Gary Weckwerth, CEO and Managing Partner of Sioux Falls Sports. 

                                    *      *      *

 Ovations is a subsidiary of Global-Comcast, which is the management firm of the Sioux Falls Convention Center. I think you’ll find that Comcast also owns a good chunk of Midcontinent Communications.

                                  *      *      *

 The opening game May 13 will pit the Fighting Pheasants against the Salt Dogs. That matchup sounds kind of appetizing.

                                  *      *      *

 A fight Saturday night at the Aberdeen Civic Arena will match “a boxer with heavy hands” against a man “with great ground and submission skills.” Does that mean he gives up ground and easily submits?

                                  *      *      *

 If the New Jersey Nets are moving to Brooklyn in two years, what will they be called?

                                   *      *      *

 ”Wolfman” was No. 4 in its opening weekend in Aberdeen, which tells me that movie is a flop.

                                  *      *      *

 My wife says figure skating is a “pretty” sport.

                                  *      *      *

 I’ve heard that the Washington Wizards are a dangerous shooting team.

                                  *      *      *

 Verne Gay of Newsday says without Heather Locklear, the original “Melrose Place” “would never, could never have been.”

 He says Locklear’s stilettos “could be registered as lethal weapons.”

                                   *      *      *

 When I hear someone talk about a moral philosopher, I always ask, “Pre- or post-Enlightenment?”

 To be honest, that’s what Craig Ferguson asks.

                                  *      *      *

 The Minnesota Vikings’ home playoff game against Dallas generated $7.2 million in gross revenue from ticket sales.

                                   *      *      *

  Kathy Sharpe, chief executive of the marketing firm Sharpe Partners, says “MTV isn’t really competing with VH1 or Fuse. It’s competing with Facebook and YouTube.”

                                  *      *      *

 Basically, I’m an enigma wrapped in pita bread and topped with chutney.